Receptionist Not Slave

Listeners Folly

2009-06-22T16:47:00.003+10:00

A teeth, tongue and lips do not equate to a solution. A thought made manifest through this instrument will not always provide an answer.

What we think and what we say need to guarded with utmost diligence and discernment. All too quickly our opinion and prejudice falls in the way of the truth of the solution.

How often do we sit in silence and listen the the problem of a friend, colleague, partner, sister or brother? Very rarely. We believe we must conjure up a solution. Help. Give an answer however foolish it may be. But perhaps our mere presence and light touch of the hand is all they need.

I challenge you. Are the words you utter going to progress or prevent the situation or problem?

Be present. This is the key to great relationships.

Daily nothings.

2009-06-17T15:42:00.003+10:00

It would have been lovely to stay under the protection of my feather doona. To listen to the rain making gentle patterned sounds on my attic roof. Smile to my self as the family head off to school.work.uni and wake up later when my body wants to.

Instead I peeled myself to an almost upright position, mumbled my way downstairs to the coffee machine and sat staring out at the cold winter sky writing my Morning Pages. An attempt to clear the subsequent writers block which has created havoc in my life. I am currently entering the final Act of my script. You'd think the home stretch would be empowering and a downhill glide.

The hours drift by while I sit at work. I pretend to be doing work when the Bosses come past, instead of on Perez, Team-Twilight, Fashion Blogs and Facebook. I wish I had something other to dream of then Jackson Rathborne, Twilights Jasper, who is the hottest thing since Hot Cross Buns, and perhaps R-patz, who is consistently being voted Hottest Man.

My blogs seem to reflect the boredom and lack of obscurity of my daily activities. I am an adventurer. I love experience and thrill and romance. I am a hidden and suffocated Bohemian.

I heard on Triple J last night, in the centre of Paris is a bookstore, Shakespeare and Co. where you can get a bed for free. Between the reference section and history books, beds are available for the travelling wanna-be writer, at the $$ of working an hour a day in the book store. The rest of the time is devoted to writing, reading and musing. Bring it on I say. Now just need at ticket to Paris!

When the weekend is perfect

2009-06-15T16:22:00.002+10:00

This year, I made a decision. It would be different. It would be fun. It would be adventurous. Something to write home about.

And it has been. I am happy.

Friday night my high school friend Chez and I took the hour and 15 minute flight to Byron Bay to see Kylie, the missing piece in our 4, (Rachel jetted to the UK for 2 years). Chezy and I decided, being ladies of leisure, we really should drink a glass of red...however, empty stomachs, a flight deadline, and sculling wine is not conducive to sophistication or ladies of leisure. I needed a medium fries from McD's to soak up the alcohol that was impairing my vision, while Chez followed a man into the bathroom, noticed a pilot, whom she considered asking if he was flying us to Byron. Thankfully she noticed that urinals are not meant to be in the same place we go to the bathroom. Normally shy and awkward Chez spun on her feet and retreated, tapping a strange man on the shoulder on her way out; "Wrong bathroom" she claimed as she found her way back to the females.

We barely made it on the flight, sitting momentarily in our giggles, before realising the FINAL CALL was flashing for our sake.

Byron Bay was perfect. Friday night was spent sipping cocktails and devouring tappas in a Cambodian inspired terrace overlooking the dark beach. It was good to have the 3 of us back together again. Even if we were freezing in our dresses and barely there gloves.

We managed to pull our heads from the pillow Saturday morning, and slide into the spa by the pool, wishing soy latte's would appear in our hands. Later we enjoy a brunch of gourmet organic Byron style on the deck, once again gazing at the beach. This time it is crystal clear and perfect.

The Lighthouse, destination of tourist and locals alike, proudly and prominently over looks Cape Byron, protecting the residents from the foes of pirate ships and liners. We park our car, don our Haviana's and shorts (it's a lot warmer then freezing Sydney) and apply the suncream. A policeman pulls up in his car beside us.

Me: "Are we allowed to park here?"
Police man: "No, that will be $400 each." We pause. "I just wanted to warn you, there's a man along the walk flashing he's dick at people." A little taken back we giggle. "Nothing to worry about, just ask for a closer look than knee him. I'd love to be a chick for a day and inflict some pain. Unfortunately I carry a gun for a living. Have a good walk girls".

We embark. Half laughing at our macho policeman, half searching the bushes for WatchDickMan.

20 minutes in, gossip over old school friends and scandals is flowing, as we climb the hundreds of stairs. Down trod a pair of shoes, then some knees, blue shorts, and OMG, the tiniest little pin dick I've ever seen (not that I've seen my share), flopping disgracefully out his shorts. We stop talking, mid sentence and pass in silence, our eyes diverted anywhere but the sad little man, with a poor excuse for a member. If your going to be flinging it everywhere, at least make sure it's a descent size. Seriously!

The light house and view was breath taking. A rescue helicopter was hovering close and low, while boats searched the rocky grave bellow us. Someone was lost. We said a silent but pleading prayer.

Our walk took us along the heavenly beach, which saw me strip off and dive between the waves and white sand. Mid winter ocean swims that aren't cold. Is it better in Heaven?

We ambled through the hippy shops, snacked on sushi and edemame on the beach and drove towards the country with the sun setting over the mountains. We fed horses, and played with dogs. Watched chick flicks, drank copious amounts of red wine. Video-ed a hello for Rach in far away London and snuggled into bed, relaxed and tired from a perfect day of 4km walking and love advice between fitting rooms and red wine.

Sunday we visited the hippy markets in the hills, where pot and tarot were as common as chemists and camera shops at the local mall in Sydney. I wished for the morning I had been born into a hippy commune, and had dreads and sang folk songs on a colourful pillow while sipping chai.

It was sad to leave, but the sun was setting over the mountains, natures way of reminding us gently, the perfect weekend was over. The plane to reality was waiting. As we were boarding, the captain, who was welcoming us on the 'helicopter' of a plane, expressed a keen like for my bonnet hat with pink bow. I in return made mention of how I liked his captain hat, and would he like to swap. I spent the majority of the flight with the captains hat on my head, while holding Chez's hand through the turbulence.

When we were safely and landed in Sydney, I ducked to the bathroom at the back before we got off. Suddenly, mid wee (squat wee - cause no one sits on plane seats), the lights went out. Not only that, but it was up there with the longest wee of my life. There I was, in pitch blackness, wee-ing my heart out with no light. I heard voices coming from outside, and commotion. It took a split second to realise, the male voices were inches away from where my bum was held high above the seat, naked. I wee-ed faster, convinced they were about to open the door, and reveal my humiliation to the crew. Thank goodness my body obeyed and I escaped the black hole and found my hat again.

There really is nothing like a weekend with girlfriends to relax you, give you a tan, and make you happy for friendships that span school days, boyfriends, heartbreaks, new jobs, a parent's death, moving away and the fear of the future.

Still Alive in Winter Moonlight

2009-06-09T16:46:00.002+10:00

I am very aware of my absence.

I wonder if I have any readers left?

I wish I could wake up and it would be summer. The crystal blue water would be swimmable. The enemy of the wintry darkness would be a memory of the past.

The curtains remain down, I get afraid to lift them. I ignore the weather man, and don my self in the warmest woollies, desiring to ignore the shifting of the breeze. Today it is blowing in from a snowy mountain somewhere south.

I have writers block today. My feature film is but 6 scenes out of first draft completion. My short film cannot get beyond the Meet Cute.

Do you feel the anxiety rip through your chest when you want to express every emotion in you, but the words are so locked up they can't even be forced out.

Does anyone have a suggestion for writers block? Or a bad dream. A bad dream might cause a new revelation.

I danced in my room the other night. It was late. The house was sleeping. I wanted to express this feeling to someone, and my feet carried the rhythm.

Lack of

2009-04-16T16:41:00.003+10:00

I spent Saturday night making coffee for some of the prostitutes hidden in our sparkling city of Opportunity.

The first group I made coffee for were a bunch of young guys who I just assumed were drug addicts on the streets. I later found out they were male prostitutes. One of them had a girlfriend with a 7 month old baby.

We went to four stops. The 'gay' strip, the 'normal prostitute' strip and the last two were for transgender prostitutes.

I saw one girl as young as 13 with several old men. Another lady I met looked like she could be a librarian.

I had been out the previous weekend in that exact area, clubbing in my brand new shoes and designer dress. This week I watched as girls dressed just like me trotted past, drunk and ready to party.

I feel like I've been eating a 5 star meal enjoying every bite, but suddenly turned the plate over to see it infested with worms, magets and disease. This is our city.

Beneath our glitz and glamour of the 'fabulous' and the wanted is a decrepit world.

I ask myself, what will it take to change this society. How can you pull people out of an addiction that consumes their life and gives them purpose?

The only way is through Love. Without Love we perish. Without the touch of another human, we search for it in the meaningless.

From the pimp to the addict prostitute to the john their is void of Love. From the alcoholic parent to the abused child to the abandoned family Love has not been learnt or cultivated.

What have I to offer to a world in need?

The touch of my hand, the word of my heart and the smile of a friend.

The Red Door

2009-03-26T16:21:00.003+11:00

I shut down my computer, put on the voice mail, collect my bags of possessions and walk to my car. Ah, the preparation of home time. Home to my bedroom of shabby chic and walk in wardrobe, and comfort and money. To my warm bed in winter, cool in summer and yummy every afternoon bathing in the sun.

But what I over look as I walk to my car at 5:01 (and not a minute later) is the pillows and blankets hidden in the trees. Disguised so skillfully, with the art and precision of someone who does this daily.

At night, the darkness engulfs the city and the shadows are no longer shadows from the light. They are our realities. The truth of our city and what we have ignored as a society and what we continue to perceive as the fault of the victim, rather than a problem with a basic solution.

Every evening they come and gather their blankets and pillows, with relief for a dry day creased on their foreheads. Outside of my office, beyond those red doors, on our doorstep sleeps a person or two, every night. Literally on. my. doorstep.

When you chose love, you give up the right to be right.

Attacker in the station

2009-03-20T16:13:00.003+11:00

Have you ever seen something and turned a blind eye? Or thought someone else would interject on the injustice you witnessed? Or assumed another person would make that call to the police so you didn't bother?

Bystander effect.

We are all guilty of it. And it makes me think.

Our generation has access to more information than ever before. We know more than our parents sometimes. Our world view is being constantly shifted and challenged by the media and other peoples opinions.

So really, we can not blame ignorance for our inability to act or move because we know what is happening. We see and hear it.

I experienced this in a life altering reality that took place several days ago.

Myself, B and my friends G and A were running through Town Hall at 450 on a Sunday afternoon to get to a shop before it closed. Let me set the scene. The city, bustling with people catching the train home after a day of shopping. We had left our bags in the car with my friend, as we were literally running into a store and out again to pick up my phone. After a 1 minute run G and I realised A wasn't actually with us. Assuming she had fallen behind and would be waiting for us we got the phone and went back to find her. An hour and half and increasing panic later, we still couldn't find her. With no money, no phone and little knowledge of the city we had no idea where she was. Security guards in several shopping centres and train stations were looking, her husband hadn't heard from her and we had called in a group of guys to help us look. It was like an ugly thriller movie. The night grew dark and the sky poured piercing rain and my heart beat in my mouth as my knowledge of human trafficking and drug rapping ran unprotected through my mind.

Our last stop was the police station. They told us, as unavoidable tears spilt down our cheeks we had to wait another hour to file a Missing Persons report. I could not believe where my night had lead to.

We headed to sit in the protection of a fast food joint, with nothing left to do but wait and watch the streets. Her husband finally called, telling us A was OK. She had gotten on a bus and made her way to her restaurant where she called him. I wish that was the end of it. Unfortunately the ugly truth reared its head. While we were running, she fell behind and called out to me, but I didn't hear. Before she knew it, she had a hand around her mouth and was being dragged into an alley by a Lebanese man. Her panicked eyes scanned the sea of people, as they watched as she attempted to fight off her attacker before being shoved into an alley and his brute power forced upon her. I hate to think what the out come could have been, but thankfully one decent person was to be found in that see of bystanders. A man came and punched the guy and told her to run. Disorientated she found a cop and through sobs and panic begged to use his phone. He refused but offered compensation of a free bus pass. Rarely do I swear but when I heard this, every swear word I have ever known found my throat and like vomit to the stomach these words poured out and I wished they'd found that Dick Head cop.

What kills me more than anything though is not the cop or even the Leb who shamelessly attacked a girl in broad day light, but the people who watched this happen. How do we see something like this, and stay immobile? And would I have the courage to react in this situation?

It is not ignorance we will be punishable for. We are not longer ignorant because we hear and see whether we want to or not. It is our complacency to act and do something. Whether it be a girl being attacked in a shopping centre or a child dying of starvation in Africa, we forget to put legs on our words and knowledge.

The Art of Love

2009-03-05T15:47:00.008+11:00

We are victims of our insecurity. Insecurity is translated into areas of our life we fail to place hope and love.

Does love flow out of life or does life flow out of love?

Love allows hope to transpire. It is a habitat for joy. An incubus for the impossible to believe again.

Love is the beauty of the soul expressed in action.

Our world will not see justice until there is peace. Peace will not be attained until love is placed as president about all other emotion, decision, or desire.

The opposite of love is greed. Greed hungers for power.money.influence. It annihilates opposing powers and rebukes love.

Such is the inconsistency of real love, that it is always awake to suspicion, however unreasonable; always requiring new assurances from the object of its interest.

Ann Radcliffe, The Mysteries of Udolpho, 1764

It has been said ones first love is perfect, until one meets one's second love. (Elizabeth Aston). Remember you first love? That feeling of infinite perfection. The waking at daybreak, and instead of the dread of another day stealing your joy, a smile creeps across your face. You remember their eyes, and their desire for you.

Why has love become a cliched word? How often do we write about LOVE. Our musings are constantly over this emotion. Our soul desire is to love and be loved in return.

postsecret creator says the most postcards he receives are ones fear and desire to find the one whom they can share their deepest secrets with.

Why do we search for a seemingly unattainable thing.

Love is a verb. Love is an adjective. It is an emotion. A knowledge. And yet it is rarely seen in the passing of a day.

We post 'Do not disturb' signs on our heads and proceed the day with not so much as a smile from our colleagues or strangers.

I often finish my conversations with my friends with 'love you'. Sometimes I say it to strangers on the phone by mistake. I hope they laugh and smile, and pass that smile onto someone having a particularly bad day.

Love. is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

New Office Perve

2009-03-03T15:58:00.003+11:00

There are about 40 people in our Head Office. Not one of them is good looking. All the men are old and balding, or young and pimply, or can hardly speak English through an Indian accent (the majority of the finance department). I often have drinks with two of the other working girls who are the same age, and we complain over the lack of office perving. Until Web Design Guy arrived.

Yesterday I was minding my own business, not looking nearly as cute as I usually try to in my outfits, (it was a Monday!). So I'm doing all my admin duties, and I see this gorgeous creature. I mean, if you think of Noah from the Notebook when he's got his scruffy beard and is all brooding and sexy, that is what you get. I know right, totally hot!

When I like a guy, my insides forget to behave and they morph into one, swimming from my legs, through my stomach and up through my throat and back again. My eyes shift with readiness to see him watching me out of the corner of my eyes, and my face goes the colour of the sun in the late afternoon.

When I leave my post at the front of office, I have a head set I place precariously on my head, looking not unlike Britney. So I march into the marketing department to retrieve some 'very important documents' and see Event Chick, and we proceed to sing 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' and shake our hips. OMG, what the hell am I doing? I got so awkward after that, (I could see him watching with reserved amusement) and I am now hiding down stairs. But I have also told him to be ware of the stationary room, apparently it's haunted.

Any suggestions in behaving like a mature 20-something working girl who isn't still stuck with the 8th grade crush syndrome?

Totally Awkward Workplace Tuesday

2009-02-24T16:37:00.003+11:00

My Totally Awkward today, happened just last week. In the office.

I sit at the bottom of the office stairs, and often the business men mill around my desk and have impromptu meetings. So there I am, checking facebook sneakily as our President, Benefactor and Executive Director discuss acquisitions and other businessy stuff I don't understand.

On the middle landing of the stairs stood the ladies from Marketing, chatting aimlessly, and at the top one of the IT guys (thank God he isn't hot).

So I'm on my way up the stairs to deliver a letter to finance, when my new shoe catches on the stair, and I go sprawling, up, the stairs. Praise the god of wardrobe, I was wearing pants. But my pride was distinctly ruined for the rest of the day.

No one laughed, they all just rushed to my side and offered help. I would have much preferred the men to have belly laughed and the ladies to have giggled, so I could laugh at my clutsy-ness and escape to hiding behind the desk.

President still walks past everyday and asks how my knees are doing. Their bruised thank you very much.

Oscar Predictions

2009-02-23T13:23:00.004+11:00

It is my favourite night of the year...the OSCARS!

Every year I would stay home from school or college and watch this blessed event, (it's during our mid morning here in Australia). Sadly today duty calls, and I can't really fake a head ache or period pain since I've had a few to many days off in recent weeks. So it's recording (the re-run isn't till 9:30 tonight) and I'm not looking at any news pages, turning any radios on, or speaking to anyone informed. I want to enjoy the anticipation!

So here are my predictions.

Best Picture

Definitely Slumdog Millionaire. I've seen 4 out of 6 of the films, and while they're great, Slumdog hits the spot! Incredibly cinematography, beautiful story, and heart wrenching truth. Critics rave it the feel good film of the decade, and being a massive feel good fan, I couldn't agree more.

Best Female Actor

Kate Winslet. She is phenomenal!!! I saw her in Revolutionary Road and OMG WOW! Best performance. I hope she kicks Angelina Jolie's ass!

Best Male Actor

I'm not biased cause he's hot, but Brad Pitt in The Curious Case of Benjamen Button is astounding. He proved himself as an actor and not just a god of hotness. If he doesn't get this award there is something wrong with the Academy.

Best Supporting Male.

No competition here. Heath Ledger for The Dark Knight . No one can disagree this performance re-wrote the text book villain of our acting colleges. Despite his tragic passing, he deserves this regardless. But what a privilege to honour such an incredible actor with an Oscar for his daughter!

Best Supporting Female

Anne Hathaway. Who would have thought this Princess Diaries star would be up for an Academy Award? Rachel Getting Married is not the happiest tale, but her performance is chilling!

Well lovelies by the time this is posted I'm sure awards have already been awarded!

Happy Oscar Day!

The Best Shoes I Ever Bought

2009-02-18T13:20:00.003+11:00

In my lunch break, I wondered into the city, feel in love with two pairs of shoes, which were consequently on sale, with a buy one get one free offer. So I chose a black stiletto pair, very en vogue and a pair of gladiator flats. $300 worth of shoes for $110!!! I was giddy with excitement.

I'd mistakenly left my wallet in the office, so after work, I ventured down again. The 15 minute walk seemed hardly a deterrent. It was raining, my feet hurt from my boots, and it was peek our.

To get to the city centre, I walk past a bridge. There is a commune of homeless people who live under here. Every day they are there, rain or shine, drinking beer and smoking. I always think of taking some food to them, but I'm secretly scared of the old men. But this time there was a young guy. About my age. Lying alone on a sleeping bag, smoking. All around him was peak hour traffic and rain. He caught my eye and I looked away quickly. I felt like I was invading someones bedroom. But my heart was caught.

I bought my shoes, found a skirt on sale and felt as 'happy' as Carrie Bradshaw at D&G sale. And then it hit me. I want to 'save the world' and get kids off the streets. I want to see poverty ended and equality established, yet I was going to walk past that young guy tonight, back up to my nice car, and home to my warm house, without even a blink of my Mac massacred eyes.

So I bought a hot chicken, juggled 3 big bags, and my umbrella, and dodged the tooting horns and speeding buses back to the little island under the overpass.

I'll admit, I was scared shitless. What the hell was I going to say. I'm well aware that homeless people hate 'charity' and people feeling sorry for them. I scripted my intro;

my friends just cancelled dinner on my, and i have a spare chicken, would you mind taking it?

That didn't sound condescending right?

He jumped up, came over, with a toothless grin;

yeah! Thanks! What's your name?

missBee, what's yours?

Tim...

We chatted for a bit, and I said I'd come say hi soon.

I dodged traffic back to my car, and shoved my purchases in the car. To be honest, I don't even care about the shoes anymore. I was full of joy.

When was the last time you stepped out of your comfort zone and loved someone. A stranger? It's so simple. Smile at the person serving you at the check out. Or the Afgan refugee at the petrol station.

everyone you meet is always fighting a harder battle.

Fire, Floods and Freedom

2009-02-12T16:40:00.004+11:00

I hope my faithful readers haven't skipped out on my MIA-ness!

It's been apocalyptic here in Oz Land. At the top of Australia, we've had flooding all over QLD, resulting in a few deaths, including a little boy being taken by a croc swimming down a suburban street.

And down south in Victoria nearly 200 people have lost their lives in bushfires, most of which were lit by arsonist. Still there are 20 fires out of control with over 1, 000 houses completely destroyed. Australia is a place of great sadness as we contemplate the reality, we aren't as lucky as our complacency allows us to believe.

This has been a summer of record shark attacks, including one yesterday in Sydney Harbour. Scorching heat up to the 40's (that's Celsius, which is really, really hot) over the weekend which saw us in bikini's and nothing else, and now I am rugged up in wool pants and a scarf, as a cool change hit Sydney and sent us running to the boxes of winter clothes.

Today I received news, an acquaintance took his life, and my dear friend is still fighting a hideous cancer.

400, 000 people will soon be jobless, homelessness will double, at least.

The statistics are enough to make you give up.

In spite of it all, courage has risen in the weakest, and a perseverance is steadfast and unrelenting. Communities are coming together, and a Nation is groaning for justice. For peace.

How easy is it to find peace in our hearts and heads when we are confronted with uncomfortable truths and disturbing thoughts of other peoples worlds?

Sometimes I clear the plans for the day, leave the phone at home, and drive. Find a winding road where bush and nature cocoon me in their safety. I lie on a field of grass, where ants and caterpillars know no better and find peace on my bare skin, with the sun falling gently without condemnation.

Happy Valentines Day lovers.

2009-01-29T16:13:00.003+11:00

we live life, always fearing the worst. yet we never think we will be one of those people who the worst happens to.

we watch natural disasters occur on TV, devestated for the victims, but never considering we could be one

listen to the news and hear about a family killed in a car accident, and are thankful it is so far removed from us

get a message from a friend saying her boyfriend is cheating on her and are a little smug because that would never happen to you

but when something does hit close to home, it feels like every window and door has been shattered, letting an unwelcome hurrican blow through the safest place you think you have.

the only death i have experienced is grandparents. two grandpa's in 6 months. while it devestated me, and caused a family depression for a couple of years, you expect your grandparents to die. they're meant to.

and when my friends' parents started passing away from cancer, heart attacks and car accidents, i held their hands and cried with them, but it never pierced my heart to the point of paralysis.

however today i face the reality that death brings when it hits closer to the bone. a close friend and someone i plan my children to grow up knowing well, is hit with cancer. Cancer. at 21. i know kids have it, and teenagers, and young adults. no one is really immune to it. but it still shocks. it still hurts.

we haven't spoken for a couple of months. life gets busy and our lives are seperate now. i thought she would always be there. we send heartfelt messages from time to time, built up with words of affirmation and love. it doesn't seem enough any more.

i keep seeing her in my mind, lying in intensive care, having bone marrows, blood transfussions, chemo. how did she get there?

i think of her family, a family much more than just friends to us. are they sitting by her bed, couped over in sorrow. is her little sister fearing becoming the oldest? is her gorgeous little brother afraid? her mum and dad, the most beautiful people in the world, are probably falling asleep at night, crying in each others arms.

i feel like i should do more. but there is nothing i can do. but pray.

friends are the family you chose for yourself.

may you not take a moment of your life for granted.

Totally Awkward Tuesday, on Wednesday

2009-01-28T16:36:00.002+11:00

It is Totally Awkward Tuesday, accept here in Sydney, it's Wednesday, but I love TAT, thanks to Tova Darling.

So here's my Totally Awkward;

3 years ago, when I was last 'falling in love' with a boy, we spent Christmas Night up on a beautiful look out. We hadn't kissed yet, and I had a feeling tonight would be The Night. Que the stars, blanket and canoodling. It was all there.

After snuggling and whispering sweet nothings for a few hours, we decided to get off the blanket, and wrap it around ourselves, (obviously we were cold, it wasn't at all a way to get even closer). As we're getting off the blanket, out pops a discrete, yet obvious, fart.

I died. I wished for the ground to open up and swallow me whole. Every bone in my body turned to glue and my face was as red as Violet's was blue in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Being the gentleman he was, he didn't say anything and pretended he didn't notice, and we did end up having very romantic, non-farting kisses all night.

But even now, the memory sends my stomach into turmoil and I hope for the reminder to be wiped out of both our minds.

Love Written Inside

2009-01-28T16:15:00.001+11:00

The beauty of the moments in between what we don’t say is when I want to tell you all the wonderful things I think of you.

Your brokenness doesn’t define you. The person you see in the mirror, is not the person I know. You still look as good as that photo you hold in your mind, of the last time you ever felt desirable. That mistake you made? No one remembers. Your friends aren’t speaking about you when you leave them. Your family look forward to seeing you each time you return. The world has not marked you a mistake. And you have a place, a plan and a purpose. End the regret. It’s creating a worry mark on your brow. You are more loved, desired, adored and wanted then you think.

These are the words we are afraid to whisper.

What is it you’re afraid to tell that person?

Have you told your partner/boyfriend/girlfriend/mum/dad/best friend how much they mean to you? Do they know you love them?

What was the last kind sentence you spoke to someone?

Maybe today, your sitting at work, on your bed, in your living room, feeling a little worse for wear. Do you sometimes feel like throwing the towl in. starting over somewhere new? Leaving behind the people you don’t think truly love you?

Those words are meant for you.

I hope they touch the core of your heart, and you fall back into the memory and security of who you are. And what you mean in this world.

Love

Rob Stands Up For Heath

2009-01-23T16:52:00.002+11:00

Rpatz was spotted sticking up for Heath at a Comedy show, where the LA comedian did an impersonation of Heath, convulsing and falling to the floor.

Rob and his friends jumped to their feet and yelled "F*^% You! You Suck!"

Ah, my lovely boy sticking up for my favourite actor (after Rob of course!).

And check out the new shave. I think he's still hot!!! He's been spotted gigging around London in quiet bars. Great way to avoid an obsessed tween crowd.

(I would totally be civilized if I were in that crowd, and would not yell out things such as, I wanna have you babies!!!)

Heath Ledger

2009-01-23T13:30:00.004+11:00

"I'm not good at future planning. I don't plan at all. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow. I don't have a day planner and I don't have a diary. I completely live in the now, not in the past, not in the future.”

Heath Ledger.

Today marks the one year anniversary of his death. This time last year I was working in retail, doing a boring once off day in an outlet store. I literally had 5 customers come in. I heard about his death by my cold hearted manager who left me alone all day. Alone to my thoughts. And for some reason, my heart broke. I couldn't believe I was sitting in a dingy store, shedding tears for an icon I never even met.

My friends laughed at my reaction, as I bought every magazine with him on it, cried during the telecast of his funeral, and read about little Matilda and Michelle. The only way I can explain my fascination and apparent attachment, is like I explain all my obsessions with Hollywood and it's elite.

I see them as my friends. And not because I read trashy gossip magazines (which I don't, and Perez is not in that category). I see them as friends because one day, I believe, they will be my friends. Am I sounding like a fruitcake?

Anyway, back to Heath and his magnificent career, which has subsequently ended on a massive high. The day of his one year anniversary, he has been nominated for Best Supporting Actor for the Dark Knight. What a horrifyingly terrific performance. Watching that character, and understanding his inability to detach himself from the character, you can understand the demons in his mind he would have been trying to escape through the pills. As tragic and unfortunate as it is, I can understand it.

I am so proud to say the Heath Ledger is Australia. That many of my friends new him well, and speak highly and lovingly of this man, who was one of the greatest actors of our generation.

He's totally going to win that Oscar!!!

PS; Benjamin Button nominated for 13 awards!!! I totally hope Brad Pitt wins best actor, and not because he's hot but because he really did prove himself as an actor. If you haven't seen this movie, you need to see it! (Go Cate Blanchet, another fellow Aussie - who I'm meeting in a month, but more on that another day).

Just Living

2009-01-22T16:53:00.001+11:00

Some women really do not grow up. I find it amazing that women in their 50’s behave worse than most of my friends, and god knows some of them know some pretty crazy behavior.
The café where I work, employs a lady who thinks she is Princess Di the second. She tells me all about her Italian lover, in the Mediterranean, and how he flies her over to Italy first class, to sip expensive Italian wine and eat caviar. Her wrists jingle with exuberant gold, and she loves to show off sparkling rings, even while serving coffee. Which she does with a face that can only be compared to Oscar the Grouch and Naomi Campbell. In my most bubbly receptionist voice, I greet her and ask how her holiday was;

Wrinkly Princess; Oh alright. Italian Lover kept buying me designer dresses. And now I’m back in this shit hole.

Me; (Being even nicer and annoying). Oh I’m so jealous. An Italian Lover who buys designer dresses? That amazing!

Wrinkly Princess; Oh it’s so annoying. He just keeps wanting me to be the hottest girlfriend. It’s such a competition between him and his other Pilot Friends. But I get to spend a week on a yatch in Greece so I don’t complain.

Me: Well you must miss him now your back.

Wrinkly Princess: (Snarls) Well I’m stuck in the f@$* hole working and bored again. (Slumps her head on my desk) I hate it here.

Sounds to me like she hates where ever she is, and complains, even when wearing a Versace gown on a yatch. Upon leaving, I waved Bye and said ‘See you soon Wrinkly Princess’ and she raises her eye brows, roles her eyes, and groans. That is all. And when she drops her keys on the way out yells SHIT!

I’m sorry, but did she forget that she is 50?! 5.0.! Dude, that behavior is just not cool!
And to add to my ‘Women Need To Grow Up’ rant, an old lady, at least 90 comes in today, and instead of politly acquiring my attention shouts “Yooo hoooo” and starts demanding names and numbers of people who worked here 30 years ago, leaving her lovely cane sitting on the desk and peering over my shoulder while I find the information for her. RUDE!

And that is my rave about people. But mostly people are nice. I guess the Golden Rule is, you just have to be nice first.

I finally made work friends, (which only took 6 months) and we had lunch today (I finally feel like a working girl in the city). I feel to grown up sometimes. We discussed mortgages and raises and bonus’s. My non-work-friends and I talk about Gossip Girl and Fashion and boys.

I entered adult world without so much as a blink. You know some nights you wake up, and try to adjust your eyes, and figure out where you are? That is how I am feeling. I am figuring out where I am. Because I’m not a student, I don’t work full time, and I’m not an actress yet. So what am I?

Philosophically I guess I’m just existing.

The Ladder Man

2009-01-21T13:46:00.003+11:00

To: borede ventsmanager@work.org.au
ccc: boredermarkertingassistant@work.org.au
From: Receptionistnotslave@work.org.au
Subject: Of Great Importance.

Hi girls,

There is a matter of great concern walking up the stairs right now. Carrying a ladder. With a great tan. And bulging biceps. And an amazing jaw line. Heart-melting smile. Singlet wearing. Smelling of summer and sun screen.

I advice. No, urge you. Get off your buts, stop pretending to work (via poking me on facebook) and come have a fricken perv!!!

*Don't worry about it now. He's gone. But not without a brief flirt session and me holding the door open for him and his Big Ladder. I swear I looked like one of those girls off the Price Is Right.

I'll let you know when he comes back to ask for my number.

Hope your is less boring now.

B

xoxo

Totally Awkward Tuesdays

2009-01-20T16:53:00.001+11:00

Tova Darling and her fabulous Totally Awkward Tuesdays. Love it! Here's mine;

This is a story that gives a well rounded explanation as to why girls need to go to the bathroom in herds.
When I was still at high school, our music class went to see The Lion King the Musical. I was the only girl who went on the trip, and was hanging out with the mus-o guys, who were actually punk rockers doing music as a ‘bludge’. So naturally, I acting my coolest.
During intermission, I went to the bathroom, by myself, and quickly rushed back to ‘hang out against the wall with the boys’. I was so hot! All the old ladies seeing the Thursday matinee were totally jealous I was friends with the boys with piercings!
After a good ten minutes, and a lot of walking around, including up the stairs, I began to notice a slight breeze up my legs, up to my bum! Strange I thought, and I reached around to readjust my school skirt. And that’s when I felt it. The world froze. My skirt was stregically tucked into my undies. All the way up. The entire audience, cast, crew and the rest of Sydney, had seen my bum. My make up melted off my face as I blushed every shade of pink, red and purple and plucked out my dress, holding it down firmly, noticing a few snickers from the audience around me.
I didn’t look any one in the eye for the rest of the day, but I’m sure those boys were the slightest bit nicer to me.

Spend less and be Fabulous!

2009-01-16T15:17:00.003+11:00

The end of my pay fortnight always leaves my wallet a little worse for wear. I reflect on the deliciously fash purchases I made in the last two weeks, especially the new skin care range I needed, since my skin was majorly reacting to the heat of summer.

I have a case of forgetting that this working girl, only works part time. 4 hours every afternoon. Most people don’t really consider this work. But really, I do work hard. I promise. I have to count the mail, (today there’s 5 letters, but some days I have 1000’s), then I have to do the media reports and summaries for all our current media coverage, and send it out to our directors, board members and other VIP’s with unnecessary titles to placate their profile. That all takes about 2 hours. And in between I deal with the phone calls. Some people can be so rude. Lucky they have a receptionist like me who knows how to deal kindly with people who utter the words, do you even know who I am?

Once all that is done, I have to check my facebook, emails and blog, and read yours (thank god for the amusement you all provide!) This usually takes two hours, and in between I manage my acting and writing career, google Gossip Girl, and update myself with Perez. Work can be busy!!!

So in light of my penny-less Mimco, I have had to come up with some sure fire ways to go from feeling like a slumdog to millionaire. (PS – if you haven’t seen Slumdogmillionaire please, please, please do yourself a favour and see it!!! It deserves every award and more!)

Here are my fab pick me up’s.

1. Forget splurging on a mani in a noisy Asian nail studio, buff, polish and shine your own nails. I don’t know about you, but personally, if my nails aren’t done, they literally feel like they are aching! Don’t have time to wait for them to dry in between a busy social life? Paint a nail at a time throughout the day at work. That way, you only have to worry about one nail being wet while typing and answering phones, and you get a more relaxed finish.

2. Can’t afford to buy this months Vogue? Just jump online, check out the hot links, and window shop from your computer screen. And there's always a comp or two to enter.

3. Wash your car. I hate this job. I would much rather pay someone else to do it then have to get out the hose and suds, but driving in a clean, hot little car, blaring Britney makes you feel like a ‘cast’ member of Laguna Beach.

4. Stay in. I hear the sharp in take of shock. Instead of seeing BrideWars or He’s Just Not That In To You, wait for cheap Tuesday when it’s only $10, and spend Friday night on the couch with your favourite chick flick, red wine, thai (always a nice cheap meal) and your bestie’s. Tonight it’s Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and What Happens in Vegas.

5. If you’re a member of the gym, you’ve most likely already paid for it this month, so make the most of it. Nothing feels better then not wanting to go, making yourself, working up a sweat, and coming home feeling more energized and skinnier. I did a yoga class this morning and feel fab!

Or you could be wise with your money and stop buying Sass and Bide jeans and gladiator flats so you can afford to go out and pamper yourself. Either way, I hope this weekend is exiting and adventurous!!!

Do you have more ideas on how to indulge yourself and spend less?
Xoxo

Days of Our Lives

2009-01-15T16:16:00.007+11:00

It is really no secret here, that I have a bit of an obsession with Hollywood and glamour girls and hot boys. I try to keep it at a minimum and only read Gos once a day.

I did read something funny today. Naomi Watts is worried Sunday-Rose (Nicole Kidman's baby) is 'in-love' with her son. I mean seriously! Either the gossip columnist is an absolute loony and made it up, or Naomi Watts needs to be checked into some mental institution. Sunday Rose isn't even one.

And on the topic, my friends mum, who is like, totally the smartest doctor ever, thinks Nicole was never really pregnant. She didn't glow, she didn't put on weight. No normal women looks like that when their pregnant. Plus she has some medical problem, (the term eludes me) that makes her 100% unable to have kids. She totally faked! Just like her face.

Speaking of all things faces, it has come to my attention, Blake Lively (my latest girl crush) had a nose job! (I'm saving my pennies for my own rhinoplasty, so naturally I think it's totally cool that she got it done).

I had an OMG moment today. I went to the Gallery this morning to see an exhibition by my favourite artist, Monet. I studied him all through high school, and dream of walking through his garden. He is seriously a genius! I reckon if I lived 150 years ago, I'd have a massive crush on him and his big beard. So anyway, I'm walking through the crowds of other Culture-Vultures, admiring the works of the Impressionist painters, and there, smack dab on the far wall is the White Water Lillies. I studied this in year 10 and dreamed of walking across the bridge. (My art trip to Paris was cancelled in 2002 by my school for fear of terrorist! so I never saw it). But standing in front it today, forgetting about all the other people around me, even the pain in the assAsians pushing their way through, I had to catch my breath, and stop an embarrassing tear. It was a moment, where you understand the beauty and importance of art.

That's all biatches.

Love you, mean it, later.

Work is Fab.

2009-01-14T15:19:00.000+11:00

The things that make a fabulous day.

1. Going into the dirty, over crowded staff kitchen, desperately needing a green tea to accompany my caramel kiss, and getting the last tea bag. It was like it was sitting there waiting for moi.
2. Finally making friends with the girls my age. We now have regular afternoon gos sess. ‘round my desk.
3. Getting compliments on my hair. That only took 5 minutes this morning.
4. It still being sunny and hot outside.
5. Thinking about going for a swim in my fav pool on the harbor. (I’m too scared to swim in the ocean after a series of shark attacks. It’s Jaws 5 here in Oz. Great whites are up 80% leaving me swimming only in the safety of an enclosed 4 walls).
6. Applying my new Elizabeth Arden lipgloss at 30 minute intervals.
7. The phone not ringing for 20 minutes.
8. Not doing any work.
9. Reading fun blogs.
10. Booking my hair extensions next week. I’m totally going to be the Australian Blake Lively!

Hollywood Dreaming

2009-01-13T14:27:00.000+11:00

My procrastination could be the death of me. It entangles my feet, and shuts my mouth. It is only in my mind.

My heart and soul and voice long to be heard.

Sometimes, when work becomes slow, and I need a distraction, I search my favourite actresses.

Right now, my hot fav is Blake Lively. I literally love everything about her. From the first moment I saw her in The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, I decided, I wanted long blond hair, and she would be my new fav. Thank God for Gossip Girl Mania!

Girls like her, make me believe I can make it.

How about Isla Fisher? Star of the new Chick Flick Confessions of a Shop-aholic. The new Australian Golden Girl make her mark on Tinseltown and scoring exiting roles. Why can't that be me?

Or how about Amy Adams. Finally in her 30's she's staring in films and quickly becoming one of Hollywood's top actresses. She wasn't even going to become an actress until someone told her to just do it and she moved to LA and started auditioning. 10 years ago.

But my favourite story is that of Canberra girl, Mia Wasikowska who is barely 19, staring in Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. She's never even been to an acting school and now she is acting alongside Johnny Depp and working with one of the best directors of our time.

See how possible it is?

People have always left Hollywood with the stigma of impossibility. That only 1 in 10,000 ever 'make it'. But why can't I be that one?

My final draft of my play is almost complete. Then its time I start on the screen play. I know I have something here. Deli Chick is totally going to be the next Great Australian Movie. And then it's on to Hollywood to work with the Blake Snyder and Nora Ephron.

So girls and guys, dream big.

Aim for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.

ignorance prevails

2009-01-07T16:22:00.000+11:00

Excuse me sir,

but in what world do we believe it is ok to let the innocent die.

where it is ok to ignore the tortured cries of the abused.

where we can sleep at night ignoring the reality that across our

.neighbourhoods

.cities

.countries

.world

there are children sleeping in dumpsters. in wars. in fear. alone.

where we can glorify the hero who rescues the damsel

.and yet we cannot feed a hungry mouth

.sponsor a sick child

.rescue an orphan

ignorance is bliss

ignore-rance.

be it better to be a vegetable than to be ignorant.

because then you at least have an excuse for doing nothing.

we live in a world of two

WFC

world.financial.crisis

world.food.crisis.

we live in a world where White Supremacy rule.

where the topics that make front page.

are the topics that affect.sell.promote.

for the benefit of the editor in chief.

where it is 'cool'

to pretend for a minute to care.

caring for too long means frustration.

frustration = change

change requires an action on our behalf.

often one that requires something more

than we want to give.

the storm is coming

but i don't mind.

people are dying

i close my blinds.

Summer in the City

2009-01-06T14:09:00.000+11:00

The skin where my thighs meet is a little sweaty, and I'm trying to minimise the tell-tell signs of the heat, as my face is bright red, and my cleavage a little shiny with perspiration.

These are the issues I worry about in the heat of summer, rushing back from a glorious lunch with the Acting Girls.

As usual, our conversation centred around the perils and adversity of dating in Sydney. A city of 6 million, in which I estimate 1.5 are men in their twenty-somethings. And yet, we are all still single.

Kate-Hudson-look-alike and Femme-Fatal-Wanna-Be and myself, a self confessed Wanna-Be-Hollywood-Starlet.

I'm really not sure what there will be left to talk about when we are eventually in relationships.

Kate-Hudson is sleeping with the same guy as four years ago when she was 20, although he is still with his live-in girlfriend. She is chasing a CK underwear model, (who is the hottest guy I literally have ever seen), and I wish I had the guts to tell her, he's just not that into you. And so each acting class and party and function and casting, where he is, she makes a complete and utter fool of herself. A stray cat has more of a chance of getting in CK's pants than she does unfortunately.

Femme-Fatal is gorgeous, just struggling, like all of us, in the dating arena. She has never had a boyfriend and is a walking monument to Man's stupidity. She recently asked out Body Builder from class via text, after 6 months of intense flirting and prolonged kissing scenes. He said he'd love too. But when she suggested dinner and a movie his response was I don't think my girlfriend would be to happy with that. Ah, you kidding me? WTF!

And then there's me. We already know the story. I can't get a break. BM has laid off the stalking, and I'm enjoying the break from avoiding phone calls, incessant texts, and church stalkings.

I watched these friends, who I was so dubious of in the beginning, so pleased to have found such delight in the darkness of a city crowded by the illusion of happiness and friendship. Sometimes the greatest friendships arise out of the least likely places.

More than once in the past month, have I been thankful for the guidance of Carrie Bradshaw and the ladies of Manhattan. They taught us how to date, who not to date, and that being single can be fabulous.

2008 Has Happened

2009-01-04T11:07:00.000+11:00

NYE went off with a BANG. This is my view from a party on the water of Sydney Harbour. I may or may not be location-dropping.

I made no resolutions this year.

I put no expectations on other people.

I simply decided three things.

1. I will have 3 TV commercials.

2. My script will be picked up by a producer and will be performed as a play and/or made into a film.

3. My full time job will revolve around social justice. I will be getting paid to care for people and justice full time.

For the last three years I naively and stupidly hoped for a husband. I spent NY surrounded by girls all seeking husbands and the fulfilling of relationships. They are all married.

And as repeatedly stated in this blog. I am Still. Single.

And loving it.

I had no New Years pashes, although there was an advance from a guy I dated for about a week a few months ago. He was drunk and being a sleaze. My conscience told me I was worth more than that.

I spent the last three days on the beach somewhere up the coast, tanning, watching dolphins swim and watching lots of chick-flicks.

I am in full holiday mode.

Well that was until my dreamy sleep last night was interrupted by disturbing dreams of going back to work. Tomorrow. Another year. Please God, let this year be good.

I feel like I achieved very little last year, and then I remember, I finished my degree, moved into a very promising job, got an agent, and have the best friends in the world. Life is good.

Hope you all had fabulous New Years and Chrissy's.

English Boys Are Cute!

2008-12-29T18:07:00.000+11:00

Upon a recent discovery, that all of my current top 5 hottest boys are English, I have decided this is where I need to be positioned. And so, perhaps I should move.

On top of the vague decision to move countries, to a place where it snows (I hate snow), I also decided I needed to marry one of my top 5.

Here they are.

5. Dominic Cooper. As seen in Mamma Mia and The Duchess. Understatedly cute, note the biceps, and a sexy accent to boot.

4. James McEvoy. A name on many lips of late. He first did it for me in Becoming Jane, and took our breath away in Atonement. With a long list of recent movies I can't wait too watch him in. Shame about the wife though.

3. Ben Barnes. His first major role was as Prince Caspian in the Chronicles of Narnia. The strong, silent, fighter with sexy eyes out shone any of the girl crushes people had developed on Peter and Edmund. He's funny wit, and gorgeous smile make him a Girl Favourite. (Check out the arms!)

2. Charlie Cox. A name not many have heard, but he definatly made my head swim when he started in Stardust. C19th style clothing, and a transition from geek to god makes you think twice about casting your eyes over this understated gorgeousness! He has the Cambridge class with a cute little grin. My kinda boy! (I may or may not have youtube-d him a few too many times.)

1. No surprises here. Rob Pattinson. Or Rpatz to his friends :) If you haven't seen Twilight, (hopefully my obsession didn't put anyone off) you need too see it just for him*. Rob is being dubbed the next Jude Law or Johnny Depp, at worst Orlando Bloom. Pretty dazzling future ahead! My friends and I agreed he's probably the best on-screen kiss and when I finally get myself tied down he's my free pass. (That's assuming I don't actually end up with him).

*I saw it last night for the 4th time. And bought the soundtrack. Obsessed?

I want you to be what I want

2008-12-26T17:33:00.000+11:00

There's a certain sickening memory that pulls you from inside out and makes you want to catch your breathe for fear of suffocation.

A memory embedded deep you hate to admit, feels like the last time yo were ecstatically happy.

He's memory is tainted on my walls, the scent of Christmas night invades my mind with his face. He was my last Happy. He was the last time I considered forever.

He came from no where. Swept the wind from under me, and left too quickly with a little promise for future. He was the last time I uttered love.

And now, 3 years later, he is married and I am still here. In the same house. In the same bedroom with lame pictures of Paris on the walls and an empty double bed.

Summer reminds me of how my fear of deep water evaporated when I was with him. Summer reminds me, of being on holidays and spending every waking moment doing nothing, and savouring the hours just by kissing.

And summer reminds me of what I don't have any more. This is my third summer alone. Alone. The words uttered in cursed silence by the family. The pity and question mark their crooked smiles as they greet me with Christmas cheer. Little Sister introduced BF to the family this Christmas. I braved the questionable glances as to why Big Sister is still single. Questions of career, acting, 'friends' are all a way around the one thing they all want to know. "Is there anyone of special significance in your life?" In other words, "Please reassure us that you are normal and will not be the awkward 40 year old spinster".

I don't care about my single status. It is the choice I have made for right now. I could date about 3 guys right now. But I know I would settle.

And if I am this ok in my mind, then why do I want BM to be something more?

I want you to be what I want.

And so Christmas, Boxing Day, NYE, all remind me I am Still. Single.

And I remind myself. I. Don't. Care.

Even if I do, a little.

2008-12-23T15:26:00.000+11:00

It is the last working day of the year. Well for me at least. As the afternoon receptionist, I get tomorrow off! I'm thrilled! Do you know how much shopping I have left to do???

Now, I make reference to my blog title, receptionist-not-slave. Some people seem to forget this. Such as the gallery department. They have me, folding invites, inserting gallery calenders, stuffing them in envelopes and sealing them shut. 1, 000 of them. I mean seriously. Is that really how I want to spend the last working day of the year??? So I am reading lots of gossip and blogs.

On my old blog (which to many people knew about so I sadly deleted it) I blogged about Twilight, alot! I have recently seen the movie 3 times in 10 days, and finished the last book Breaking Dawn. I'm so sad it's over. The most beautiful love story I have ever read.

And I quote;

About three things I was absoltuly certain.

1. Edward was a vampire.

2. There was apart of him, and I didn't know how

dominant that part was, that thirsted for my blood.

3. I was unconditionally and erevocably in love with him.

Now do yourself a favour. If you haven't read it...read it!

I came down stairs last night at 1am, and there is mum, crouched in the dimly lit hallway, like an Indian praying, reading Eclipse. The third book. She wouldn't even look up at me she was so engrosed.

It is every girls desire. To be loved, so fervently, passionatly, and singularly by the 'hottest guy in school'. No matter what we say, we all want an Edward.

It's funny talking to my married friends, or friends in 'deep, deep' love. They always say, "(Insert lovers name here) looks at me like Edward", or "(Lover) would stop a moving car with his bare hands for me". Sometimes I feel a little lonelier for hearing it.

At the heart of every girl or women, and even most men, is this unquenchable need to be someone else's absolute. Too know that someone is lying awake at night thinking about them. To walk in a room, and they only see you, even with Rachel Hunter standing next to you. We all long for an indescribable love. The epic love that can only be silenced by death, and even then that kind of love lives on in the hearts and minds of those who witnessed it.

It is for this love I wait. No matter how many guys ask me out, or pursue me, and no matter how great they are, I know what I am waiting for. And I know, without a doubt, I won't miss it. People have told me I'm too picky, I tell them I have standards. People worry I'll be overlooked because of my determination, I tell them he will see me. And friends and family alike put me in the single catagory, whether mentally or physically I become the single one. But that is ok. Because we just haven't found each other yet. And we will. At the right time, when life is as it should be, and we are ready. We will find each other. Just like Edward and Bella.

Edward to Bella

You don't know how long I've waited for you.

Christmas in OZ

2008-12-22T14:35:00.000+11:00

And so the fridge is beginning to bulge with Christmas cake and turkey. Carols are echoing through the neighborhood, spilling out of homes donned in twinkling fairy lights. It takes you 1.5 hours to find a park at the mall, another 3 hours of discovering the perfect present for someone, 45 minutes in line to pay, and another 2 hours leaving the car park to amble your way through fumes and horns. All under the cloud of an Australian humid summers day.

This is Christmas. And we wouldn’t do it any different.

I had a white Christmas once. I was 3, living in Dayton Ohio. The only child, spoiled with a Fisher Price kitchen, table and chairs and Dolly. I’ve always wanted to have that Christmas back again. To be snuggled up in cashmere jumpers, actually craving the heat of the roast turkey and baked food. The way we see it in movies.

But in truth, I love the way we do. The heat of summer creeping into our homes as we sit, PJ shorts and nighties still on, ripping open our presents. Under the shade of oaks and gum trees we enjoy our Christmas lunch, often a hot turkey substituted for prawns and sea food. A game of cricket and swim on the beach, and then to enjoy the sun till 9pm, while neighbours, friends and the other side of the family visit for dessert.

This year is a little different for my family. With impending family feuds bubbling beneath the façade of joy, our family of six, have decided to do Christmas by ourselves. It’s a little scary. We aren’t dysfunctional, but we also aren’t the Brady Bunch. 16 year old Little Big Brother is a terror. Trying to decide what to buy him, I opted for tee-shirt, with skulls, knives and words of death. I think he will like it. Dad is a phlegmatic choleric, so you can imagine his quite control he asserts over all of us. Mum is most likely going through menopause, or she’s slowly losing her mind! I’ll keep a tight rein on the kitchen to avoid melt downs and flip outs. The Sisters, 19, and 14 are a little like Polar Bears. They’re lovely from a distance, but get to close and irritate, and you could end up with a rather large paw smack across your face. And I’m sure, actually, positive, I’m not perfect either.

So perhaps this Christmas will be more memorable than any other with Extended Fighting Family.

Interview Me

2008-12-21T15:13:00.000+11:00

It's a sunny summer day here in Sydney. I spent the morning at the beach, and now I am reading the last 100 pages of Breaking Dawn. (If you haven't seen or read Twilight - DO!)
I figure its a lovely afternoon for a little interview.

The lovely That Damn Expat has interview me.

Here are the rules.

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

And here are your questions:

1.I'm a new reader so introduce yourself to me, in five sentences or less.

I live in Sydney Australia, but have lived all over Aus growing up, in Singapore and America. I'm an aspiring actress, working as a receptionist, fighting for social justice, in particular for the slave-trade to be abolished. Ah, 2 sentences with lots of ,'s. I'm good!

2.You say you are an actress. Which actor/actress had the most influence on you?

I absolutely love actresses like Drew Barrymore, Rachel McAdams, Natalie Portman. But I'd say Angelina Jolie has had the greatest impact on me. Though I disagree with her personal life, what she has done for humanity, the things we don't see, is incredible!

3.If you were a movie character which character would you be?

A warrior princess, riding a horse and fighting for an epic love. Take your pick of movies! Or the girl in the Romantic Comedy who gets the hot boy.

4.What is the one thing you love the most, and one you hate the most about yourself?

Hard question!!! Apparently I have 'perfect' shaped eyes! Haha. I like that I care about others and not about myself. That's the most important thing to me. And I hate my nose!!! I'm all for plastic surgery!

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

NYC! I love it! And have a hut in the Maldives.

Modelling Around

2008-12-19T15:59:00.000+11:00

The end of the week is rolling around far to slowly. 54 minutes to go. Then I’m seeing Twilight…again. Oh Edward!

There is a side of me, that likes to be best. Best at acting, “Employer of the Month”, ‘Happiest Classmate”, “Best Looking in the Office”. Yes, I am slightly competitive. I thrive on peoples compliments. Especially at work, when I’m always told how great my outfits are and how good my hair looks. And so, I have comfortably nestled into being the fashionista receptionist at the front of the office, greeting everyone with the award wining smile and smooth ‘Hello’. (Ok, maybe I’m not that glamorous, but a girl can dream.

When I came in today, I had jeans on, a peasant top, and sand on my feet from my morning lying on the beach. And I was greeted by a model. A. Model. In my office. WTH! She was temping and I was jealous. I felt short and fat. Incredibly pail, regardless of the summer tan, and my hair wasn’t as blond. At least my toes are pedicure-d still from the wedding.

The Flagpole was nice too, dammit! She had a hot English accent and a gorgeous little outfit. Am I becoming a little self-obsessed with being a model not an actor? Perhaps I just have a girl-crush.

Top 5 hottest models?

5. Agnyes Deye

4. Lara Bingle

3. Gemma Ward

2. Kate Moss

1. Miranda Kerr

Whose in your top 5?

The Short of it.

2008-12-18T16:43:00.000+11:00

I don’t like ugly mugs. Or mugs that aren’t made for your hands to comfortably curve inside your cupped palms. And they can’t have stains on the bottom from left over coffee. Or tea. And if there is a pattern, it can’t be too colourful. Or florally. Or dull. Probably best if it is plain white. All the mugs in the office kitchen are ugly. I have to resort to the floral ones. They're to small for a decent cup of tea, or coffee, or a sneaky milo!

BM is still calling, messaging, stalking. Seriously! I discovered we’re friends on FB. You know what that means don’t you…he’s checked out all my pictures, read all my wall comments, and the replies, and has seen what events I have coming up.

He called last night, when I was on the way home. It was 10 pm and awkward. I wanted to get off the phone as soon as possible.

How do I shake this one? It’s just too awkward. Our best friends just got married!

The more I get to know various boys, and have more potential suitors than I have since I was 17 and living vicariously, the more I realize, I am willing to wait for Mr. Right. I know what I want, and I’ll wait for it. Even if I am still single into my mid 20’s, God help me!

On another, non boy related note, I did my Christmas shopping today, and feel good. I also bought a white tee-shirt. It is hot! Especially with short shorts and a hat. Totally hot!

And I am going to the Ice Bar tonight. Its pure ice. Everything. You can only stay in there for 30 minutes, your drink out of ice cups, and there are No. Boys. A night out with the girls! Just what I need.

PS. I also really, really want a hot tu-tu like Aggi. She is totally rocking my boat atm!

What's on your fashion wish list?

3 Single Actresses

2008-12-17T16:15:00.000+11:00

Three aspiring actresses, 1 red head and 2 blonde's, discuss their dating lives over sushi.

Blond 1; So I was a bridesmaid on Friday.
Blond 2; Any hot boys?
B1; Not exactly. An embarrassed blush creeps across her face.
Redhead; Oh do tell! While shoving sushi mi in her mouth.
B1; It was the best man.
B2; Oh shit! That's fantastic.
B1: And I was drunk.
RH: Even better!
B2; How long has it been?
B1; Since?
B2; Since anything. You don't normally get drunk -
RH; Or hook up with Best Men.
They both dissolve into laughter.
B1: Three years.
RH; Picks herself off the chair. You haven't kissed anyone for 3 years?
B1; Not since Heart Break, and now I'm accidentally dating BM. SHIT!

The B2 and RH try to be sympathetic and stifle their laughter. Change of subject.

B2: So I slept with French Man.
RH; Finally!
B2; Hiding a smile. He told me I had eyes like a leopard.
B1; What the?
B2; And then jumped off the bed and danced around the floor like one.
RH; As a joke!
B2; No, he was serious. He was trying to be seductive.
B1; Bahaha, did he pounce on you and rip your clothes off with his teeth too?
B2; Not before I collected my belongings and made a run for it. He won't stop calling.
RH; Tell him to go back to Africa.

The dumplings arrive, with more cucumber roles and egg plant.

RH; So I saw my therapist today. She said the reason I haven't dated any of these guys is I scare them away?
B1; You're a femme fatal, what does she men?
RH; Apparently, my insults emasculate them. Apparently I have to be nicer.
B2; Or more like a tigress. That supposedly gets them.
RH; What the hell. B1, maybe I'll take a page out of your book, and be celibate.
B2; That'll last till tonight.

The dating woes of three single actresses. One celibate, accidentally dating someone, one who can't sleep her way through Sydney fast enough, and one who has finally discovered why she hasn't been laid in over 4 months.

Heart in Action

2008-12-16T14:24:00.000+11:00

Justice is what love looks like in public.

It’s to easy not to care. Most morning when we wake up, we merely think about anything, but what the day holds for us and what we have to do. Obligatory tasks. Free time wasters. It is human nature. But we are not excused for our ignorance.

We live in the age of knowledge. We are held accountable for what we knew, or could have known, and ignored.

Life isn’t about what has happened to you. Or what people think of you. Or how you are feeling right now.

Not because these aren’t important, but because these should be secondary to how you are affecting other people. It is a cycle that cannot be broken. Let me explain.

When we step out in love for people, and offer a hand, or a smile, a kind word and a gracious offering, we are changing someone else’s world, for the better. Regardless of their response, that little act of kindness and love is breaking down walls erected around their heart. Be it a pebble or a brick, or eventually the entire wall, it is making a difference.

On thing I have learnt in my limited experience, is that when you love others, you love yourself. I cant explain that logic. I guess it is a law. Like the law of gravity.

If you doubt me, give it a go.

On Sunday, a few friends and I delivered 50 hampers to a housing commission community. We have been in this community for 3 years, fixing up their gardens, giving them clothes, sitting and talking with them. I met one lady with schizophrenia. It was so sad. She sat there, talking normally, then start manifesting. I would ask her what the voices said and she would scream at us to get out. We just sat and talked with her, and prayed for her, and then she wept, said thank you, and that it was her birthday. This happened all in 45 minutes. It didn’t take long to change someones day.

I visited OASIS centre today. A youth refugee in the city, and Streetlevel, an outreach centre with free meals, councelling and showers. That is where I see hands and feet, actively moving, heart in motion. And smiles. The volunteers are grinning. The marginalized and forgotten remembered by a stranger with a heart.

So over this holiday period, who can you smile at? Who needs a small gift of compassion and empathy? Is there an old lady who doesn’t have family? Bake her some cookies. Those of us who are so lucky, we are so few. The majority of the world is lost, forgotten and alone. So lets love someone else, even for 5 minutes. You never know whose world it could change.

Dear Bride

2008-12-15T15:38:00.001+11:00

Dear Bride

You’re wedding day turned out a success, despite the preceeding events.
The hurricane display outside didn’t go away, how ever much we prayed, and running you to the car with your dress above your head was not, as I imagine, how you dreamed you would assend your pumpkin.

I remember sitting in the back seat, squashed between the two other yellow dresses, as they were quickly creasing, feeling sad and sick as you looked out the window at the billowing trees. I know you were regretting chosing this date.

Your face as you stood, moments before walking down the isle was not the look of a joyful bride, but a little girl devastated that the dream was not as you had dreamed. Seeing Psyco ex-Bridesmaid driving into the city had not put your fears to rest, despite the army of men standing guard at the door, and your yet trail and frantic rush had created quite the stress. But I must say, as I watched you glide so gracefully down that isle, I knew you would be ok. It was all I could do not to cry the waterproof mascara off!

It was a shame we couldn’t have the fairy tale photos under the great oaks, and on the little bridge over the water, but those pictures on the grand stairwell of the hotel were beautiful, even if your smile was fake and I could see you heart breaking a little. Mine was breaking with yours. I wanted to make it better.

You had your heart set on a little retunder by the beach, so the three car motorcade set off for Balmoral. I have to admit, in hindsight this was the funniest moment of the whole day. Watching your new husband try to shield you from the torrents of rain and gail force winds, turning your umbrella inside out, made me smile a little, though I was very adamant on making sure I could deter as much rain from your hair as possible.

The three Bridesmaid’s and three Groomsmen, stood with our big white unbrella’s facing the billowing wind, protecting you and your new husband from the wind. I thought I would blow away like Mary Poppins. It was the first time I saw you smile. And by smile, I mean grin. We all stood there, our bodies postulated in protection from the wind, finally pissing ourselves laughing. I guess that was the point we all stopped caring that our curls had fallen out, and our dresses were saturated. It was a fun day, and you were surrounded by the most important people in your life, plus one photographer.

The reception past in a blur, perhaps it was just my thirst for the red wine. I remember the speeches, the love that encapsulated each persons words, the tears of the fathers, the heartfelt memories of your sister, and then your words, telling me how much our friendship meant to you. I was so blessed in that moment, and was thanking God again for waterproof mascara.

Bride, I’m so happy you married the Man that you did. The way he looks at you, speaks of you and loves you has reignited my hope in men, and I’m thrilled that I will know you two for the rest of my life!

When you left, I shed another little tear. I will miss you. I will miss our sleep overs, and being able to hold apart of you. I know you aren’t gone, but you are completely his now. And while I sound selfish, I mean that in the most gracious sense of the word.

I have a confession to make. I broke my three year Good-Girl fast. I had a little more to drink than usual, and threw sensibility away. Stupid Little Bridesmaid.

So the conclusion of your wedding, saw me with The Best Man, being cliché and drunk, making out under the canopy of the trees by the beach, with the weather finally at rest. Oh how embarrassing! I kept giggling, thinking how trashy and movie script ending this is. And I’m to ashamed to tell you. Perhaps in two weeks after your honeymoon I’ll confess the disgrace. I swore him to secrecy.

So now, Dear Bride, I find myself accidentally dating the Best Man. Oops!

And I quite possibly am not interested.

Edward Saga

2008-12-11T16:49:00.001+11:00

Tomorrow is the wedding. I am sad. Well not sad, just going to miss the friendship I have now L. Things change when people get married. You cant have sleep overs, they always want to go home to their husbands. Girls night are less frequent. There is always someone else they need to be thinking about.
And this is simply me being selfish. If I cant be selfish on here, where can I be?

I hope the wedding isn’t destroyed by Schizophrenic Bridesmaid. Oh dear God let her get the flu, or become paralysed (for only the afternoon). Or be attacked by a swarm of bees. We will have security there…I think of it as preparation for my pending Hollywood Stardom!

Speaking of which, I saw Twilight last night. OMG!!!!! It comes out today in Australia, but I managed to sneak a preview…with 500 screaming 14 year olds. I need to see it again so I know what they actually said. When Edward arrived on screen they screamed for about 5 minutes. I think I few might have passed out.

So my adult friends and I are now even more obsessed with a fictional vampire.

And I met a cute band boy last night who has a heart for Social Justice. Hmmm….perhaps I might get my own Edward Cullen.

To Move or Not to Move

2008-12-09T16:40:00.000+11:00

You realise we live in a technologically advanced world, when you mother text’s you from the living room, to discuss the family bbq this weekend, when you’re in your bedroom.

As of this morning, I am looking at apartments. It is time for me to Move Out.

I don’t want to. I like my bedroom. It’s an attic, with bay windows, white wood, a walk in wardrobe, and a fridge in the kitchen, occasionally stacked with food when mum feels like shopping.

I like saving $200 a week on rent. Not having to worry about a house mate. Have a plasma TV. The coffee machine I great every morning like its my best friend.

But then there is the family. I mother who has become menopausal-rex, a dragon 19 year old sister (who wastes her money on designer clothes and I steal them, hence we fight a lot), a 16 little bro, how can only say two words. One beginning with F and the other ending in unt. And a little sister whois 13 going on 32. She thinks she is actually my age, and hence can wear my work clothes out with her friends to the mall. And finally there is dad. The man who was once my hero, now consumed with finances, and work, and politics, to busy and preoccupied for real converstation. He loves me, I know this because once every few months he msg’s me, saying so. It’s a little unfair of me to say this about them all, cause I do love them, its just so hard to live under the same roof!!!

So the pro’s of moving out.
+ I’ll probably want to see them
+We’ll probably get along
+I’ll have my own independence
+I’ll be able to make, eat, enjoy my own meals
+I can live closer to the city or the beach
+I’ll be getting out of suburbia
+I can stop avoiding going home

The con’s
- It costs a fricken lot to live in Sydney!
- Finding the perfect house mate. People are hard to live with…I’m hard to live with!
- If I move where I want to live, Kirrabilli, overlooking Sydney Harbour, there’s no where to park my car!
- I just might, a tiny bit, miss home…roasts and a washing machine? You would too!
- If 6 months in I want to move home, I’ll be reduced to my bro’s old room – everyone’s bidding for my Repunzle Attic.
- My clothes allowance will go down, I’ll stop going to the gym to save money, I won’t have a big TV, or the internet, and I’ll have to pay for my own hot water, electiricy, and start buying coffee’s every morning.

See my dilemma? What’s better. Money or Sanity?

Tomorrow I will blog about my weekend. It was a wild one. Hen’s nights, acting parties, pole dancing. So much to tell you.

B x

Bubble of Nothing

2008-12-02T16:46:00.001+11:00

I feel like I entered a stranger universe. A bubble perhaps. Where today is clouded and confusing. Nothing quite makes full sense. It is like having two pieces of a puzzle, that look perfect together in theory, but just don’t quite fit. That is my brain and body, and the rest of the outside world.

I stopped by the coolest blog today. Girlmeetsnyc and read an amazing entry. Check it out. I love this quote.

Speak justice, the language that can change the world.

I feel complete when I do justice.

Today is not the right day for me to start on my favourite topic, work is almost over and my fingers are tired from my day of typing. But I vow to blog more on this topic.

The rest of my evening, I am predicting, will be spent in this bubble. It is slightly secure. A little frustrating.

I did something funny the other night. I had my grad dinner. It was my 4th one so I wasn’t really to into it. During speeches my friend C and I decided it would be funny to sit under the table, beneath the elegant white table cloth, in our sexy designer dresses and heals. I’m not sure what possessed us to be so ‘silly’ and ‘childlike’ but hey, you only live once and I’ve heard these same speeches four years in a row. Everyone thought it was pretty funny, until my date, also known as my pretty-much-brother/boy-best-friend got a glass of water and threw it into my face.

My hair, make up and dress were completely attacked. I cleaned up ok and no one could tell, but he spent the rest of the night in disgrace!

More from the Schizophrenic Ex-bridesmaid

2008-12-02T14:09:00.000+11:00

I had to bite my pride, swallow the desire to rip A’s head off, and apologies for shouting slightly obscene comments in the middle of the night at her house. She has now threatened to arrive at the wedding ceremony and call objection. She also made mention of the fact that The Bride's wedding dress can easily be destroyed and we better watch our backs during while taking photo’s.

I haven’t been in a bitch fight since year 8, nearly 9 years ago. I cannot believe this is happening. We are getting security guards for the wedding, and A will be escorted, by will or force, if she dares come near The Bride!
Imagine having to deal with this 9 days out from your wedding. This is a time you should be glowing with happiness and having spray tans, not dealing with schizophrenic friends and their threats!

Bridesmaid From Hell

2008-12-01T16:08:00.000+11:00

Perhaps I have a mental condition, but I actually looked forward to getting back to work today. I know. W.T.H!

I have decided I need to write about my wedding experiences, because they are the kind of stories you would find in the over-dramatised wedding movies. My family and friends often tell me my life is a little too much like 27 Dresses. In two weeks I'm a bridesmaid, again. I was one last year, and don't ever hear from the girl, and was asked to be one this year for a classmate I wouldn't even invite to my own wedding, so I declined. That wedding story is a whole other blog. People don't believe the story when I tell them.

So getting back to my intended story for this post. On Saturday The Bridesmaids hosted a lingerie and hen's for our Bride. Leading up there have been domestics, with A, the 3rd bridesmaid, deciding to call me and tell me that the sister/maid-of-honor and Mother of the Bride, didn't want to have a lingerie party, as it was so expensive and no one could afford it. A long story short, after A put The Bride through a day of tears because she thought everyone but me was against her, it turned out Sister and Mother knew nothing of this supposed conversation with A and were looking forward to the party. So after more domestics, we finally had the event, and it went perfectly! Everyone loved it, and the 3 bridesmaids for the first time ever, actually managed to get along. Later, at the resturant, A and the Bride got into a little fight. The Bride made a passing comment that A's partner was a little weird, which resulted in A storming out, and 45 minutes later calling The Sister, to tell her she would no longer be a bridesmaid. She then proceeded to message the Bride hideous, emotionally manipulative message saying she would destroy the bridesmaid dress, if she didn't go round and appologies by 11. It was her fricken hen's for goodness sake! We had nuddy runs and dares planned.

So round goes the Bride, trying to hold it together, and finds out that A has given the dress to a friend. End of story, A was completely unreasonable, even ignoring Mother of the Brides sinsere pleas for the return of the dress. The Bride had paid for them all and there was little chance of finding more.

The Bride spent the remainder of her Hen's Night curled up on her bed crying. I couldn't believe a person could do something so awful. A is still sending messages of hatred, as if she hasn't caused enough crap!

So the moral of the story...don't have bridesmaids....or don't have a wedding. Simply elope. The more I experience of this world, the more likely I am to get married on a beach, bare foot, with only me, my lover and a minister!

Friends are your bestfriends, till there not. Then their your worst enemy!

The Week I Protested at Parliament

2008-11-27T21:31:00.000+11:00

The last 4 days have been spent camping. That is right, B the princess, braved the ground, the dew and even went without a GHD for 3 nights! All for the cause of Human Trafficking. I went to Canberra, the capital of Austalia, with World Vision, to campaign against the use of Child Labour in making chocolate. Every person who learns that Cadburry and Nestle, and all the big chocolate companies use slave labour are horrified. To learn more visit, http://www.don'ttradelives.com.au/ Seriously, this is a massive issue, and the more people that become aware of it, the faster we can change the problem.

I met the most amazing people over the last 4 days. There were teenages to adults, 15 to 25, all passionate about making a difference in the world. The younger teenagers were more mature than some of my friends, and new where they were going and what they wanted to do. The older ones, the guys my age, were all studying politics, law, international studies. I was so inspired by their passion to change the world.

Check out my other blog http://www.abolitionistdiaries.wordpress.com/ for all the info on the week and world issues/how to stop slavery. But I will say this here...I walked on the green manicured lawns outside parliament, protesting, with banners, drums, and chants, to stop human trafficking and child exploitation in chocolate manufacturing! And I was in the paper...I'll put that in next post!

The thing that got me the most, was that everyone has a different part to play. Whilst I was the only actress out of 150 people, everyone accepted who each other were. There are times, when I wish I were a lawyer, or politician. Where I want to be smarter, have more influence in the decision making arena. But I know I'm entering the industry I'm meant to, where I can influence the media and people who look up to the 'pop stars' and 'movie starlets'.

Everyone wants influence. Deep down everyone wants to see change happen in something.

What do you want to see changed?

x o x o

2008-11-20T14:59:00.000+11:00

I am a TV series addict. But not the CSI’s and Criminal Intents. It's all about The OC, One Tree Hill, of course Sex and the City, Grey’s Anatomy, Ugly Betty, Beverly Hills 90210, and The Hills. And back in early 2000's, Dawsons’ Creek, Rosewell, Ally McBeal, Popular, Friends, and the Gilmore Girls.
You get the point. Anything with girls, falling in love with hot boys. Topics of like, crushes, love, best friends, cat fights, betrayal and if the fashion is good, then it is a must! I even think blue robes are kinda sexy after watching so much Alex in Grey’s.

And now, I have developed a new addiction. Gossip Girl. Now I know I know, I’m totally behind. Like duh, Gossip Girls been big for the last year, but I don’t have cable, so I miss it. One of the girls from work burnt me a copy of season one, and I watched it all last night. Now I’m pretending to be Serena in knee-high socks and sticky lip gloss. My blonde hair is even curled.

So here’s my Gossip Girl style update.
B (obviously me), has been seen chatting late at night with D in the car outside his hotel (where he actually does live…I am totally channelling it aren’t I!). But G (my bff) might have developed a little crush on the new boy D. B isn’t sure yet what her feelings are, as D is still so unsure about how long he’ll be staying here for, so G is asking if she can move in on the smouldering D.

And B may be more into D than she’d like to admit.

xoxo

The Single Leppor

2008-11-17T16:14:00.000+11:00

I experienced the single torture on Saturday night.
Friends, who are now linked to the Previous Friends I Used to Dine With Category of my social mind, shafted myself and 5 single girls to the end of a table.
Bek and I (who is factually the only friend I give permission to read...and is actually dating a 21st Century version of James Dean) arrived 20 minutes late, had Loz rearrange the table so we could sit with her, and spoke excitedly with the Birthday Girl over our outfits and shoes. In come couple number 31...and suddenly the perfect night is whisped up into a furry of seat shifting. I'm not sure if it was the Birthday Girl or Nick-The-Dick who I have had hideously disgusting experience with, that forced us from the table with our friends, in favour of couple #31. It doesn't really matter. Fact is, we were placed, at the end of the three tables of our 'closest friends' and their husband-boyfriends-fiances, with the other 3 late comer singles. And one by one, we realised we were the single table.

I guess in moments such as these when you want to through a Prima Donna tantrum and storm out like a Maria Carey, composure and cocktails and fake smiles are all you can do. And so we sipped out Martini's and Cosmo's flirted with the Black English Waiter and pretended we didn't want to leave, in favour of some 'single party' where 'poor single people' mingle.

And thus, my conclusion is, I dislike couples. I vow, never to be That Couple. To many friends are falling subject to that fate. Those who vowed they never would when we were single girls sharing Champers and Hot Tubs late at night. (Bek, for the record you are not in this category!)

I will be an inclusive couple. I will be friends with all the singles who feel like lepper's and aliens. The world is cruel to us socially deformed girls without a boy's arm or wallet for support.

Did Sex and the City teach us nothing?

Dior+Vogue=Fab weekend

2008-11-14T16:25:00.000+11:00

Hot off the Christian Dior Runway...I love this look! Sheer and daring with the subtlety of beige!

The tu-tu is just oh-so-hot this season! Embrace your inner ballerina, or 1999 Carey Bradshaw.

Get dressed up, paint your nails red, throw on your highest heels and enjoy the weekend!

Stolen Emotion

2008-11-14T14:48:00.000+11:00

I miss you.

We’ve only hung out properly once.
We’ve only had four real conversations, two were on the phone.
I tell you more than I tell my friends,
You understand me better than my father.

I pulled away involuntarily.
I regret not being so open.
I guess fear does unwarranted things to emotions.
I’m sorry for the way I looked at you last time.

Can I get back into that sacred space that arises from nowhere?
Do you think its ok for me to tell you my secrets?
You asked my of my heartbreaks, I kept it inside,
I’ll let you in next time, please mind the step.

I trip and fall over my confusion.
I let the asthetics of wordly opinion cloud my convictions.
I lost the sentiment of reality.
Was I Sleeping Idiot-Beauty to let you walk out of the room without a kiss?

Closing the College Chapter

2008-11-13T14:52:00.000+11:00

I kept my head down and my thoughts locked tight to myself, afraid everyone else could read how insecure I was. The binge drinking, chain smoking, multiple-boy kissing girl of 18 - my first day of college 4 years ago.

Today marked my last lecture.

There is a sense of nostalgia, even after the toughest 4 years. And the best. An acting school, a bible college, a leadership development programme and a theology degree, all mixed into what has been my life, longer than anything else has.

I no longer smoke, I haven't been drunk in 3 years, and the last boy I kissed (apart from acting) was a boy I loved 2 and a half years ago. It is like going into rehab and coming out a different person.

I made best friends, watched friends fall in love and get married and fall pregnant. I developed who I was. What I wanted, what I didn't want. I decided I want to be an actress, and that social justice was my purpose. But most of all, I found God.

He was always there, I had just ignored Him. I had played the ignorant fool we too often fall subject to. I had asked Him to help me when I was 16 and getting busted for shop lifting, I had prayed that Adam would fall in love with me at 15, and I had said my nightly prayers all through High School. But I never understood Him. He's character, and purpose, and grace. The reason I chose to 'give up my life' for something bigger than myself.

I graduate with a Bachelor of Theology Majoring in Acting and Theatre Craft, (try saying that fast), but it's not the paper I really care about. I care that my life has been completely transformed. I still have blond hair and wear the same dress size (though my style has improved significantly), but my character and what I believe is completely different.

Discover who you are, and enjoy the adventure.

Weddings, Sexy Actor and Moving Out

2008-11-11T15:33:00.000+11:00

Given the current financial climate, acting jobs are far and few between;

My agent is mildly absent;

And Sexy Actor was in class last night;

It was a pash scene. And my friend Tori got him! I'm somewhat relieved I didn't ahve to kiss him, because it was The. Best. Kiss. I've. EVER. Scene. I saw her face, she had fallen in love. And I was trying my hardest to concentrate on the camera I was operate. He then sat on the couch next to me, and told me about his romantic getaway with The Girlfriend. I'm sooo not interested.

It was like plucking eye brows forcing myself into work today. I started at 12, so I spent the morning with my favourite people, and D, drinking coffee and popping into cute boutiques. (I got a fabulous little black skirt on sale!) I love Sydney life. I'm thinking of moving out and living in Kirrabilli with my Bestie, Gabs. Kirrabilli is on the Harbour of Sydney, overlooking the Opera House and Harbour Bridge. I could get a ferry to work, stroll through the historic buildings of the city to work, with a large coffee in hand. I've always wanted to live somewhere glam, like NY, but I realised, my cities got pretty cool spots! I can be totally fabulous right here, sitting at sidewalk cafe's with my bestfriends.

On the D front, I don't think I'm interested. Again, I'm trying to force a friendship into something it shouldn't be, just because I want the security of someone who loves me. I want him, but as a friend. As a brother. Besides, his doing Mo-vember and the mustache looks hideous! Think 80's porn star.

I attended a wedding on the weekend...my 5th this year, and counting. It was hilarious! The brides father had planned the day, minute by minute. It was a case of Father of the Bride meets Meet the Fockers. There were tears from the bride all day, tears of joy of course. The groom just stared at her. The 5 bridesmaids stressed over her veil, and the 5 groomsman checked out all the single girls. At the beginning of the reception, we had a run down of how the night would progress. Exhibit A

at 9pm you will all have finished your deserts and make your way in an orderly fashion into the adjoining room.

9:05 Dani and Ben will cut the cake

9:10 They will have their first dance

After which you will all dance to a mixture of music from the Golden Oldies, to 70's classics, 90's love ballads, with a little RnB thrown in for you youngsters. (Hello it's a 22 year olds Wedding!)

At 9:30 we will clear the dance floor and enjoy the tearful father daughter dance

And at 10:15 we will make an arch way and farewell the couple off to their honeymoon.

No joke, at 9pm, after 2 hours of speeches, the MC gets up and tells us to quickly finish our deserts, we're behind schedule!

But it was a beautiful wedding, but not beautiful enough to convince me I'm anywhere near marriage!

The Kind Advice of the Department Store Ladies

2008-11-10T16:15:00.000+11:00

At the beginning of the year, I spent six months working for a designer in a Department Store. Unfortunately it wasn't some top end, most wanted designer. She designed for the older women, with classic money to spend on boring cardies cost $450 each.

I was the youngest person working there, by 40 years. There were 5 ladies, all glamorous and ageing ever so gracefully. And they taught me worldly wonders. I thought I would share a few.

1. The power of classic red lipstick. It brightens any dull day. Apply after meals and blot, with a gloss over the top, it can stay on for hours. Just don't chew it off.

2. A string of pearls goes a long way. Invest in the real deal, or just a cheap $20 fake-a-rooney but no matter what the occasion, they always go down spectacularly. Just look at Carrie in Sex and the City running around town on NYE with her string dangling delicately over her PJ's.

3. Be polite and respectable to people older than you. Use Mrs. or Sir. unless instructed otherwise. I had priceless conversations with older women, and men, and heard incredible stories, from a writers point of view, just through showing a little respect.

4. No matter what the rules, coffee should always be aloud at work. We used to always get in trouble for sneaking coffee's in, and sitting in our little stock room for 11 o'clock coffee and chocolate break. I thought it was funny, that middle aged women still giggled over breaking the rules.

5. It is possible to have a successful, happy marriage, and still be glamorous, even at 60.

3 out of 5 of the women were still happily married to their first husbands, one was married to a Frenchman, which I thought was cute, and the other dated more than I. They all wore gorgeous high heals, and patterned stockings. And as young adults had been actresses. What are the odds. Everyone of them had been an actress. I vowed never to become a shop girl again to avoid being stuck there till retirement.

One more valuable piece of information they imparted in my short time with them was this. You don't have to marry what appears to be Mr. Right. You don't have to wait around for The Knight to gallop along at a blinding speed and whisk you off. You can get out and love life. Date a few men, get a broken heart or two. But live life fabulously and daringly.

And so, whilest surrounded by doting couples, I will hold my head high, and not worry if D is he or not. I will not search the face of every man I see any longer, trying to find the spark that means he's for me.

I also learnt from these ladies, that black is the most fashionable colour, throw a coloured wrap around your neck, and teamed with the pearls and red lippy, you're always ready in glamorous heals.

We worked across from the shoe department.

Sex and the Sydney City

2008-11-07T16:13:00.000+11:00

Some of us are trying to do work!

My desk sits at the bottom of the stairs, welcoming the predominately elderly as they arrive to visit the gallery and enjoy the café, designed specifically for the aging. While our office staff pass me by and I enjoy this relatively 'younger' crowd, there are moments in my day, between complaining members of the organization with their wasting-my-time phone calls, and long loud lunches of women catching up, that I want to run screaming. I work for a non-for-profit organisation, that looks after old heritage buildings and beautiful properties. As you can imagine, this draws on the heart strings of the above 70 crowd, with nothing to do but visit old gardens and make phone calls, complaining to me about the state of our City and the councils tyrannical reign, pulling down old buildings. Somehow, it always becomes my fault that there is to much development, or a property is not listed in the yellow pages, or someone hasn't received their bi-monthly newsletter. I mean seriously, do they realise I am at the bottom of the food chain?

Right now, I am trying to do media reports, reading about politics, answering phone calls, usually two or three at once, and listening by a bunch of 70 year old women visiting their old school, screaming like 15 year olds and carrying on! They spent 15 minutes trying to climb the stairs behind me, stood under the old school emblem, told me stories of the scary headmistress and won't seem to leave. Ah, hello, there are people running a business here!!!

In other news, I watched Sex and the City movie this morning. It always fills me with a sense of nostalgia, a sadness for growing old, this impending doom that it will happen, yet I know I will do it with my friends. I have a SATC group. We are literally one character each. R

Rachel is Samantha, her latest claim to fame is that she 'f*cked a guys brains out' in the front of a Catholic church next door to her uni the other night.

Kylie is Miranda, a hard working, tough little bitch. This friendship is a little on the rocks. She seems to resent me a little because I have other friends then her, and in a recent move to escape her life down here, she met and boy (a dick head if you ask me) and moved 7 hours north to the capital of Nowhere. She begs me to come and visit, and I decline. I'd rather soak my feet in horse poo then spend a night in Nowhere. Besides, I'm saving for my big OS adventure!

Chez is sweet Charlotte. Chez and I are the ones who at 17 decided not to have sex because every one else was, and to wait till our wedding nights. One little mistake on my behalf - oops - but she stands strong in her convictions. She's the sweetheart of our group. The driven PR agent who mediates between bitchiness and is still finding her voice.

I am Carrie. I'm not sure if its because I don't fit any other category, or because I often fall into the paradigm that the world revolves around me. I like to think it's because I'm the most fashion savvy, or the witty writer. What ever it is, I'm happy being Carrie. She stands for something great. Episode after episode revolving around being single. Finding Mr. Right. Or Mr. Big. The most heartbreaking moment in all of film - k maybe not all - was when Big left her at the alter. Did anyone else's heartbreak too?

I like to think of us girls as Sex in the Sydney City. We're catching up tonight. It's been about a month. In that time, Kylie is still in No Man's Land with her abusive boyfriend, Chez and Rach have finished degrees, moved to the city and started working full time, and I am rearranging my life big time. We will have sushi for dinner, and talk about politics and fashion, and pretend life isn't happening. We will meet our sexy men for Salsa dancing, and go home, no longer living 5 minutes from each other like we did when we were 16. We will act as if we are the girls who have just finished school, exited about the future and life starting.

Well it has started, and it has taken us by surprise. I want to grow old with these girls. I want to find myself on my 50th birthday, dressed head to toe in designer, looking "Fifty and Fabulous" and know I did life with my best friends.

2008-11-04T16:20:00.000+11:00

These are my favourite lines from my favourite songs. Some are all to cliche, others are songs you may not know, but go listen !!!

I could stay awake, just to see you sleeping
Aerosmith

She gave you a look that sent you to the moon.
"Bella" - Angus and Julia Stone

I'd rather spend my life pretending then have to forget you for one whole minute.
"Crush, crush, crush" Paramore

That maybe Hollywood was right:When the credits have rolled and the tears have dried,The answers that we have been dying to findAre all pieced together and, somehow,Made perfectly mine.
"Needle and Thread" Sleeping at Last

You have stolen my heart
"Stolen" Dashboard Confessional

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you, you are my only one
"Only One" Yellow Card

You're the closest to Heaven that I've ever been
"Iris" Goo Goo Dolls

Breathe out, so I can breathe you in, Everlong
"Everlong" Foo Fighters

You look wonderful tonight
"Wonderful Tonight" Eric Clapton

I would like to compile these lines into seemless moments, of fragile perfection, where there is only room for you and I.

Lonely Posting!

2008-11-03T15:23:00.000+11:00

I am feeling very lonely on these pages. I want my blogging network back!!!

So things with D are going really well. I organised a massive day on Saturday where we go into to housing commission and do heaps of work. Running teams, fielding calls, knowing where everyone is and what they are doing. We even painted a house for a lady and she complained about the colour and we had to re-do it on Sunday. D had to work, but he called me to see how it went. What a man! After one conversation he actually cared enough to call!

Last night at church, I seriously thought I was going to pass out, my panic attacks were so bad. But once we started chatting and laughing, I felt as calm as the waters of the Red Sea. We talked for hours, and laughed, and I introduced him to all my friends. It just felt natural.

We still are just getting to know each other, but it's an incredible level. I've never connected so quickly to anyone. I feel like he reads my soul. It's too weird.

And I think right now, it's just friends. And that makes me happy. So what if he isn't my fairytale, he's amazing, and I'm so glad I'm even his friend!

I don't have any funny stories today, the weekend was to stressful.

Tomorrow is Melbourne Cup Day. For those of you who aren't Australians it is THE most fashionable day of the year. Entire ranges are created, fashion shows are organised and fashion editors are stressing over this day. At 3:30 tomorrow, the Country stops to watch a horse race. That is the fuss. A horse raise.

Oh but the dresses! And the HATS! That is really what it is all about.

I have to choose a dress! I need to make my head piece. We are having high tea and champagne at work to watch the race tomorrow.

I will win best dressed! Or at least my pink cup cakes will be the favourite of the day!

2008-10-30T16:04:00.000+11:00

I have previously had another blog, I was very attached too, but my sister found it on the history page on the family computer, which I use about once a year, and has started reading about my secret life. So I've started a new blog. I hate good byes and new starts. But here we go.

This blog will be even better, more person, because my name isn't in the web address. I'm not
worried about people I know finding it. I am completely anonymous! Ya.

If you've come over from my last blog, thank you for your faithfulness!!!

I met a stranger last night, who is now, I suppose you could say, a very good friend. I have just taken over the social justice department of the young adults of my church, and I'm feeling very overwhelmed by all that we are organising and I am having to do. And I really wanted a boy/friend who could be a support. Understand me, listen to me, help me.

Well last night, sitting in a cafe with 20 friends, I ended up next to this new guy. Lets call him D. We began talking, and he starts sharing his life story. About how he used to be into drugs, dealing, using, the works. He met God, changed his life, and ran a whole bunch of community events and social justice programs at his old church. Exactly what I am doing. So we talk about this for an hour. I'm trying to eat nacho's and still engage in the most amazing conversation of my life...there was avacado everywhere!

Then he starts telling me about his life. He's the only boy with three sisters. I'm one of 3 sisters, and we have a younger brother who is out-of-control! Sometimes I'm so close to calling the police! He reassures me it will be ok. Look how he turned out. We both grew up with dad's in the airforce and navy, travelling around Australia, with close to no money and 4 kids in the back of the car, driving for 5 days at a time. In a few weeks I'm going to a rally at Parliment House for HUman Trafficking, he went last year. I don't know anyone else who has done that.

Everyone left, the table was cleared, the cafe empty, before we resurfaced from cracking each other up, and understanding, soul to soul, who we both were. No one has understood me like that. No one has had so much in common with me. I don't know if its a soul mate or best friend, but it's something incredible and unexpect! I can't wait to see what happens!!!

So blogging friends, thanks for sticking around! You're all fabulous!!!