I want you to be what I want

There's a certain sickening memory that pulls you from inside out and makes you want to catch your breathe for fear of suffocation.

A memory embedded deep you hate to admit, feels like the last time yo were ecstatically happy.

He's memory is tainted on my walls, the scent of Christmas night invades my mind with his face. He was my last Happy. He was the last time I considered forever.

He came from no where. Swept the wind from under me, and left too quickly with a little promise for future. He was the last time I uttered love.

And now, 3 years later, he is married and I am still here. In the same house. In the same bedroom with lame pictures of Paris on the walls and an empty double bed.

Summer reminds me of how my fear of deep water evaporated when I was with him. Summer reminds me, of being on holidays and spending every waking moment doing nothing, and savouring the hours just by kissing.

And summer reminds me of what I don't have any more. This is my third summer alone. Alone. The words uttered in cursed silence by the family. The pity and question mark their crooked smiles as they greet me with Christmas cheer. Little Sister introduced BF to the family this Christmas. I braved the questionable glances as to why Big Sister is still single. Questions of career, acting, 'friends' are all a way around the one thing they all want to know. "Is there anyone of special significance in your life?" In other words, "Please reassure us that you are normal and will not be the awkward 40 year old spinster".

I don't care about my single status. It is the choice I have made for right now. I could date about 3 guys right now. But I know I would settle.

And if I am this ok in my mind, then why do I want BM to be something more?

I want you to be what I want.

And so Christmas, Boxing Day, NYE, all remind me I am Still. Single.

And I remind myself. I. Don't. Care.

Even if I do, a little.

It is the last working day of the year. Well for me at least. As the afternoon receptionist, I get tomorrow off! I'm thrilled! Do you know how much shopping I have left to do???

Now, I make reference to my blog title, receptionist-not-slave. Some people seem to forget this. Such as the gallery department. They have me, folding invites, inserting gallery calenders, stuffing them in envelopes and sealing them shut. 1, 000 of them. I mean seriously. Is that really how I want to spend the last working day of the year??? So I am reading lots of gossip and blogs.

On my old blog (which to many people knew about so I sadly deleted it) I blogged about Twilight, alot! I have recently seen the movie 3 times in 10 days, and finished the last book Breaking Dawn. I'm so sad it's over. The most beautiful love story I have ever read.

And I quote;

About three things I was absoltuly certain.

1. Edward was a vampire.

2. There was apart of him, and I didn't know how

dominant that part was, that thirsted for my blood.

3. I was unconditionally and erevocably in love with him.

Now do yourself a favour. If you haven't read it...read it!

I came down stairs last night at 1am, and there is mum, crouched in the dimly lit hallway, like an Indian praying, reading Eclipse. The third book. She wouldn't even look up at me she was so engrosed.

It is every girls desire. To be loved, so fervently, passionatly, and singularly by the 'hottest guy in school'. No matter what we say, we all want an Edward.

It's funny talking to my married friends, or friends in 'deep, deep' love. They always say, "(Insert lovers name here) looks at me like Edward", or "(Lover) would stop a moving car with his bare hands for me". Sometimes I feel a little lonelier for hearing it.

At the heart of every girl or women, and even most men, is this unquenchable need to be someone else's absolute. Too know that someone is lying awake at night thinking about them. To walk in a room, and they only see you, even with Rachel Hunter standing next to you. We all long for an indescribable love. The epic love that can only be silenced by death, and even then that kind of love lives on in the hearts and minds of those who witnessed it.

It is for this love I wait. No matter how many guys ask me out, or pursue me, and no matter how great they are, I know what I am waiting for. And I know, without a doubt, I won't miss it. People have told me I'm too picky, I tell them I have standards. People worry I'll be overlooked because of my determination, I tell them he will see me. And friends and family alike put me in the single catagory, whether mentally or physically I become the single one. But that is ok. Because we just haven't found each other yet. And we will. At the right time, when life is as it should be, and we are ready. We will find each other. Just like Edward and Bella.

Edward to Bella

You don't know how long I've waited for you.

Christmas in OZ

And so the fridge is beginning to bulge with Christmas cake and turkey. Carols are echoing through the neighborhood, spilling out of homes donned in twinkling fairy lights. It takes you 1.5 hours to find a park at the mall, another 3 hours of discovering the perfect present for someone, 45 minutes in line to pay, and another 2 hours leaving the car park to amble your way through fumes and horns. All under the cloud of an Australian humid summers day.

This is Christmas. And we wouldn’t do it any different.

I had a white Christmas once. I was 3, living in Dayton Ohio. The only child, spoiled with a Fisher Price kitchen, table and chairs and Dolly. I’ve always wanted to have that Christmas back again. To be snuggled up in cashmere jumpers, actually craving the heat of the roast turkey and baked food. The way we see it in movies.

But in truth, I love the way we do. The heat of summer creeping into our homes as we sit, PJ shorts and nighties still on, ripping open our presents. Under the shade of oaks and gum trees we enjoy our Christmas lunch, often a hot turkey substituted for prawns and sea food. A game of cricket and swim on the beach, and then to enjoy the sun till 9pm, while neighbours, friends and the other side of the family visit for dessert.

This year is a little different for my family. With impending family feuds bubbling beneath the façade of joy, our family of six, have decided to do Christmas by ourselves. It’s a little scary. We aren’t dysfunctional, but we also aren’t the Brady Bunch. 16 year old Little Big Brother is a terror. Trying to decide what to buy him, I opted for tee-shirt, with skulls, knives and words of death. I think he will like it. Dad is a phlegmatic choleric, so you can imagine his quite control he asserts over all of us. Mum is most likely going through menopause, or she’s slowly losing her mind! I’ll keep a tight rein on the kitchen to avoid melt downs and flip outs. The Sisters, 19, and 14 are a little like Polar Bears. They’re lovely from a distance, but get to close and irritate, and you could end up with a rather large paw smack across your face. And I’m sure, actually, positive, I’m not perfect either.

So perhaps this Christmas will be more memorable than any other with Extended Fighting Family.

Interview Me

It's a sunny summer day here in Sydney. I spent the morning at the beach, and now I am reading the last 100 pages of Breaking Dawn. (If you haven't seen or read Twilight - DO!)
I figure its a lovely afternoon for a little interview.

The lovely That Damn Expat has interview me.

Here are the rules.

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

And here are your questions:

1.I'm a new reader so introduce yourself to me, in five sentences or less.

I live in Sydney Australia, but have lived all over Aus growing up, in Singapore and America. I'm an aspiring actress, working as a receptionist, fighting for social justice, in particular for the slave-trade to be abolished. Ah, 2 sentences with lots of ,'s. I'm good!

2.You say you are an actress. Which actor/actress had the most influence on you?

I absolutely love actresses like Drew Barrymore, Rachel McAdams, Natalie Portman. But I'd say Angelina Jolie has had the greatest impact on me. Though I disagree with her personal life, what she has done for humanity, the things we don't see, is incredible!

3.If you were a movie character which character would you be?

A warrior princess, riding a horse and fighting for an epic love. Take your pick of movies! Or the girl in the Romantic Comedy who gets the hot boy.

4.What is the one thing you love the most, and one you hate the most about yourself?

Hard question!!! Apparently I have 'perfect' shaped eyes! Haha. I like that I care about others and not about myself. That's the most important thing to me. And I hate my nose!!! I'm all for plastic surgery!

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

NYC! I love it! And have a hut in the Maldives.

Modelling Around

The end of the week is rolling around far to slowly. 54 minutes to go. Then I’m seeing Twilight…again. Oh Edward!

There is a side of me, that likes to be best. Best at acting, “Employer of the Month”, ‘Happiest Classmate”, “Best Looking in the Office”. Yes, I am slightly competitive. I thrive on peoples compliments. Especially at work, when I’m always told how great my outfits are and how good my hair looks. And so, I have comfortably nestled into being the fashionista receptionist at the front of the office, greeting everyone with the award wining smile and smooth ‘Hello’. (Ok, maybe I’m not that glamorous, but a girl can dream.

When I came in today, I had jeans on, a peasant top, and sand on my feet from my morning lying on the beach. And I was greeted by a model. A. Model. In my office. WTH! She was temping and I was jealous. I felt short and fat. Incredibly pail, regardless of the summer tan, and my hair wasn’t as blond. At least my toes are pedicure-d still from the wedding.

The Flagpole was nice too, dammit! She had a hot English accent and a gorgeous little outfit. Am I becoming a little self-obsessed with being a model not an actor? Perhaps I just have a girl-crush.

Top 5 hottest models?

5. Agnyes Deye

4. Lara Bingle

3. Gemma Ward

2. Kate Moss

1. Miranda Kerr

Whose in your top 5?

The Short of it.

I don’t like ugly mugs. Or mugs that aren’t made for your hands to comfortably curve inside your cupped palms. And they can’t have stains on the bottom from left over coffee. Or tea. And if there is a pattern, it can’t be too colourful. Or florally. Or dull. Probably best if it is plain white. All the mugs in the office kitchen are ugly. I have to resort to the floral ones. They're to small for a decent cup of tea, or coffee, or a sneaky milo!

BM is still calling, messaging, stalking. Seriously! I discovered we’re friends on FB. You know what that means don’t you…he’s checked out all my pictures, read all my wall comments, and the replies, and has seen what events I have coming up.

He called last night, when I was on the way home. It was 10 pm and awkward. I wanted to get off the phone as soon as possible.

How do I shake this one? It’s just too awkward. Our best friends just got married!

The more I get to know various boys, and have more potential suitors than I have since I was 17 and living vicariously, the more I realize, I am willing to wait for Mr. Right. I know what I want, and I’ll wait for it. Even if I am still single into my mid 20’s, God help me!

On another, non boy related note, I did my Christmas shopping today, and feel good. I also bought a white tee-shirt. It is hot! Especially with short shorts and a hat. Totally hot!

And I am going to the Ice Bar tonight. Its pure ice. Everything. You can only stay in there for 30 minutes, your drink out of ice cups, and there are No. Boys. A night out with the girls! Just what I need.

PS. I also really, really want a hot tu-tu like Aggi. She is totally rocking my boat atm!

What's on your fashion wish list?

3 Single Actresses

Three aspiring actresses, 1 red head and 2 blonde's, discuss their dating lives over sushi.

Blond 1; So I was a bridesmaid on Friday.
Blond 2; Any hot boys?
B1; Not exactly. An embarrassed blush creeps across her face.
Redhead; Oh do tell! While shoving sushi mi in her mouth.
B1; It was the best man.
B2; Oh shit! That's fantastic.
B1: And I was drunk.
RH: Even better!
B2; How long has it been?
B1; Since?
B2; Since anything. You don't normally get drunk -
RH; Or hook up with Best Men.
They both dissolve into laughter.
B1: Three years.
RH; Picks herself off the chair. You haven't kissed anyone for 3 years?
B1; Not since Heart Break, and now I'm accidentally dating BM. SHIT!

The B2 and RH try to be sympathetic and stifle their laughter. Change of subject.

B2: So I slept with French Man.
RH; Finally!
B2; Hiding a smile. He told me I had eyes like a leopard.
B1; What the?
B2; And then jumped off the bed and danced around the floor like one.
RH; As a joke!
B2; No, he was serious. He was trying to be seductive.
B1; Bahaha, did he pounce on you and rip your clothes off with his teeth too?
B2; Not before I collected my belongings and made a run for it. He won't stop calling.
RH; Tell him to go back to Africa.

The dumplings arrive, with more cucumber roles and egg plant.

RH; So I saw my therapist today. She said the reason I haven't dated any of these guys is I scare them away?
B1; You're a femme fatal, what does she men?
RH; Apparently, my insults emasculate them. Apparently I have to be nicer.
B2; Or more like a tigress. That supposedly gets them.
RH; What the hell. B1, maybe I'll take a page out of your book, and be celibate.
B2; That'll last till tonight.

The dating woes of three single actresses. One celibate, accidentally dating someone, one who can't sleep her way through Sydney fast enough, and one who has finally discovered why she hasn't been laid in over 4 months.