we live life, always fearing the worst. yet we never think we will be one of those people who the worst happens to.

we watch natural disasters occur on TV, devestated for the victims, but never considering we could be one

listen to the news and hear about a family killed in a car accident, and are thankful it is so far removed from us

get a message from a friend saying her boyfriend is cheating on her and are a little smug because that would never happen to you

but when something does hit close to home, it feels like every window and door has been shattered, letting an unwelcome hurrican blow through the safest place you think you have.

the only death i have experienced is grandparents. two grandpa's in 6 months. while it devestated me, and caused a family depression for a couple of years, you expect your grandparents to die. they're meant to.

and when my friends' parents started passing away from cancer, heart attacks and car accidents, i held their hands and cried with them, but it never pierced my heart to the point of paralysis.

however today i face the reality that death brings when it hits closer to the bone. a close friend and someone i plan my children to grow up knowing well, is hit with cancer. Cancer. at 21. i know kids have it, and teenagers, and young adults. no one is really immune to it. but it still shocks. it still hurts.

we haven't spoken for a couple of months. life gets busy and our lives are seperate now. i thought she would always be there. we send heartfelt messages from time to time, built up with words of affirmation and love. it doesn't seem enough any more.

i keep seeing her in my mind, lying in intensive care, having bone marrows, blood transfussions, chemo. how did she get there?

i think of her family, a family much more than just friends to us. are they sitting by her bed, couped over in sorrow. is her little sister fearing becoming the oldest? is her gorgeous little brother afraid? her mum and dad, the most beautiful people in the world, are probably falling asleep at night, crying in each others arms.

i feel like i should do more. but there is nothing i can do. but pray.

friends are the family you chose for yourself.

may you not take a moment of your life for granted.

Totally Awkward Tuesday, on Wednesday

It is Totally Awkward Tuesday, accept here in Sydney, it's Wednesday, but I love TAT, thanks to Tova Darling.

So here's my Totally Awkward;

3 years ago, when I was last 'falling in love' with a boy, we spent Christmas Night up on a beautiful look out. We hadn't kissed yet, and I had a feeling tonight would be The Night. Que the stars, blanket and canoodling. It was all there.

After snuggling and whispering sweet nothings for a few hours, we decided to get off the blanket, and wrap it around ourselves, (obviously we were cold, it wasn't at all a way to get even closer). As we're getting off the blanket, out pops a discrete, yet obvious, fart.

I died. I wished for the ground to open up and swallow me whole. Every bone in my body turned to glue and my face was as red as Violet's was blue in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Being the gentleman he was, he didn't say anything and pretended he didn't notice, and we did end up having very romantic, non-farting kisses all night.

But even now, the memory sends my stomach into turmoil and I hope for the reminder to be wiped out of both our minds.

Love Written Inside

The beauty of the moments in between what we don’t say is when I want to tell you all the wonderful things I think of you.

Your brokenness doesn’t define you. The person you see in the mirror, is not the person I know. You still look as good as that photo you hold in your mind, of the last time you ever felt desirable. That mistake you made? No one remembers. Your friends aren’t speaking about you when you leave them. Your family look forward to seeing you each time you return. The world has not marked you a mistake. And you have a place, a plan and a purpose. End the regret. It’s creating a worry mark on your brow. You are more loved, desired, adored and wanted then you think.

These are the words we are afraid to whisper.

What is it you’re afraid to tell that person?

Have you told your partner/boyfriend/girlfriend/mum/dad/best friend how much they mean to you? Do they know you love them?

What was the last kind sentence you spoke to someone?

Maybe today, your sitting at work, on your bed, in your living room, feeling a little worse for wear. Do you sometimes feel like throwing the towl in. starting over somewhere new? Leaving behind the people you don’t think truly love you?

Those words are meant for you.

I hope they touch the core of your heart, and you fall back into the memory and security of who you are. And what you mean in this world.

Love

Rob Stands Up For Heath

Rpatz was spotted sticking up for Heath at a Comedy show, where the LA comedian did an impersonation of Heath, convulsing and falling to the floor.

Rob and his friends jumped to their feet and yelled "F*^% You! You Suck!"

Ah, my lovely boy sticking up for my favourite actor (after Rob of course!).

And check out the new shave. I think he's still hot!!! He's been spotted gigging around London in quiet bars. Great way to avoid an obsessed tween crowd.

(I would totally be civilized if I were in that crowd, and would not yell out things such as, I wanna have you babies!!!)

Heath Ledger

"I'm not good at future planning. I don't plan at all. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow. I don't have a day planner and I don't have a diary. I completely live in the now, not in the past, not in the future.”

Heath Ledger.

Today marks the one year anniversary of his death. This time last year I was working in retail, doing a boring once off day in an outlet store. I literally had 5 customers come in. I heard about his death by my cold hearted manager who left me alone all day. Alone to my thoughts. And for some reason, my heart broke. I couldn't believe I was sitting in a dingy store, shedding tears for an icon I never even met.

My friends laughed at my reaction, as I bought every magazine with him on it, cried during the telecast of his funeral, and read about little Matilda and Michelle. The only way I can explain my fascination and apparent attachment, is like I explain all my obsessions with Hollywood and it's elite.

I see them as my friends. And not because I read trashy gossip magazines (which I don't, and Perez is not in that category). I see them as friends because one day, I believe, they will be my friends. Am I sounding like a fruitcake?

Anyway, back to Heath and his magnificent career, which has subsequently ended on a massive high. The day of his one year anniversary, he has been nominated for Best Supporting Actor for the Dark Knight. What a horrifyingly terrific performance. Watching that character, and understanding his inability to detach himself from the character, you can understand the demons in his mind he would have been trying to escape through the pills. As tragic and unfortunate as it is, I can understand it.

I am so proud to say the Heath Ledger is Australia. That many of my friends new him well, and speak highly and lovingly of this man, who was one of the greatest actors of our generation.

He's totally going to win that Oscar!!!

PS; Benjamin Button nominated for 13 awards!!! I totally hope Brad Pitt wins best actor, and not because he's hot but because he really did prove himself as an actor. If you haven't seen this movie, you need to see it! (Go Cate Blanchet, another fellow Aussie - who I'm meeting in a month, but more on that another day).

Just Living

Some women really do not grow up. I find it amazing that women in their 50’s behave worse than most of my friends, and god knows some of them know some pretty crazy behavior.
The café where I work, employs a lady who thinks she is Princess Di the second. She tells me all about her Italian lover, in the Mediterranean, and how he flies her over to Italy first class, to sip expensive Italian wine and eat caviar. Her wrists jingle with exuberant gold, and she loves to show off sparkling rings, even while serving coffee. Which she does with a face that can only be compared to Oscar the Grouch and Naomi Campbell. In my most bubbly receptionist voice, I greet her and ask how her holiday was;

Wrinkly Princess; Oh alright. Italian Lover kept buying me designer dresses. And now I’m back in this shit hole.

Me; (Being even nicer and annoying). Oh I’m so jealous. An Italian Lover who buys designer dresses? That amazing!

Wrinkly Princess; Oh it’s so annoying. He just keeps wanting me to be the hottest girlfriend. It’s such a competition between him and his other Pilot Friends. But I get to spend a week on a yatch in Greece so I don’t complain.

Me: Well you must miss him now your back.

Wrinkly Princess: (Snarls) Well I’m stuck in the f@$* hole working and bored again. (Slumps her head on my desk) I hate it here.

Sounds to me like she hates where ever she is, and complains, even when wearing a Versace gown on a yatch. Upon leaving, I waved Bye and said ‘See you soon Wrinkly Princess’ and she raises her eye brows, roles her eyes, and groans. That is all. And when she drops her keys on the way out yells SHIT!

I’m sorry, but did she forget that she is 50?! 5.0.! Dude, that behavior is just not cool!
And to add to my ‘Women Need To Grow Up’ rant, an old lady, at least 90 comes in today, and instead of politly acquiring my attention shouts “Yooo hoooo” and starts demanding names and numbers of people who worked here 30 years ago, leaving her lovely cane sitting on the desk and peering over my shoulder while I find the information for her. RUDE!

And that is my rave about people. But mostly people are nice. I guess the Golden Rule is, you just have to be nice first.

I finally made work friends, (which only took 6 months) and we had lunch today (I finally feel like a working girl in the city). I feel to grown up sometimes. We discussed mortgages and raises and bonus’s. My non-work-friends and I talk about Gossip Girl and Fashion and boys.

I entered adult world without so much as a blink. You know some nights you wake up, and try to adjust your eyes, and figure out where you are? That is how I am feeling. I am figuring out where I am. Because I’m not a student, I don’t work full time, and I’m not an actress yet. So what am I?

Philosophically I guess I’m just existing.

The Ladder Man

To: boredeventsmanager@work.org.au
ccc: boredermarkertingassistant@work.org.au
From: Receptionistnotslave@work.org.au
Subject: Of Great Importance.

Hi girls,

There is a matter of great concern walking up the stairs right now. Carrying a ladder. With a great tan. And bulging biceps. And an amazing jaw line. Heart-melting smile. Singlet wearing. Smelling of summer and sun screen.

I advice. No, urge you. Get off your buts, stop pretending to work (via poking me on facebook) and come have a fricken perv!!!

*Don't worry about it now. He's gone. But not without a brief flirt session and me holding the door open for him and his Big Ladder. I swear I looked like one of those girls off the Price Is Right.

I'll let you know when he comes back to ask for my number.

Hope your is less boring now.

B

xoxo