we live life, always fearing the worst. yet we never think we will be one of those people who the worst happens to.

we watch natural disasters occur on TV, devestated for the victims, but never considering we could be one

listen to the news and hear about a family killed in a car accident, and are thankful it is so far removed from us

get a message from a friend saying her boyfriend is cheating on her and are a little smug because that would never happen to you

but when something does hit close to home, it feels like every window and door has been shattered, letting an unwelcome hurrican blow through the safest place you think you have.

the only death i have experienced is grandparents. two grandpa's in 6 months. while it devestated me, and caused a family depression for a couple of years, you expect your grandparents to die. they're meant to.

and when my friends' parents started passing away from cancer, heart attacks and car accidents, i held their hands and cried with them, but it never pierced my heart to the point of paralysis.

however today i face the reality that death brings when it hits closer to the bone. a close friend and someone i plan my children to grow up knowing well, is hit with cancer. Cancer. at 21. i know kids have it, and teenagers, and young adults. no one is really immune to it. but it still shocks. it still hurts.

we haven't spoken for a couple of months. life gets busy and our lives are seperate now. i thought she would always be there. we send heartfelt messages from time to time, built up with words of affirmation and love. it doesn't seem enough any more.

i keep seeing her in my mind, lying in intensive care, having bone marrows, blood transfussions, chemo. how did she get there?

i think of her family, a family much more than just friends to us. are they sitting by her bed, couped over in sorrow. is her little sister fearing becoming the oldest? is her gorgeous little brother afraid? her mum and dad, the most beautiful people in the world, are probably falling asleep at night, crying in each others arms.

i feel like i should do more. but there is nothing i can do. but pray.

friends are the family you chose for yourself.

may you not take a moment of your life for granted.

Totally Awkward Tuesday, on Wednesday

It is Totally Awkward Tuesday, accept here in Sydney, it's Wednesday, but I love TAT, thanks to Tova Darling.

So here's my Totally Awkward;

3 years ago, when I was last 'falling in love' with a boy, we spent Christmas Night up on a beautiful look out. We hadn't kissed yet, and I had a feeling tonight would be The Night. Que the stars, blanket and canoodling. It was all there.

After snuggling and whispering sweet nothings for a few hours, we decided to get off the blanket, and wrap it around ourselves, (obviously we were cold, it wasn't at all a way to get even closer). As we're getting off the blanket, out pops a discrete, yet obvious, fart.

I died. I wished for the ground to open up and swallow me whole. Every bone in my body turned to glue and my face was as red as Violet's was blue in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Being the gentleman he was, he didn't say anything and pretended he didn't notice, and we did end up having very romantic, non-farting kisses all night.

But even now, the memory sends my stomach into turmoil and I hope for the reminder to be wiped out of both our minds.

Love Written Inside

The beauty of the moments in between what we don’t say is when I want to tell you all the wonderful things I think of you.

Your brokenness doesn’t define you. The person you see in the mirror, is not the person I know. You still look as good as that photo you hold in your mind, of the last time you ever felt desirable. That mistake you made? No one remembers. Your friends aren’t speaking about you when you leave them. Your family look forward to seeing you each time you return. The world has not marked you a mistake. And you have a place, a plan and a purpose. End the regret. It’s creating a worry mark on your brow. You are more loved, desired, adored and wanted then you think.

These are the words we are afraid to whisper.

What is it you’re afraid to tell that person?

Have you told your partner/boyfriend/girlfriend/mum/dad/best friend how much they mean to you? Do they know you love them?

What was the last kind sentence you spoke to someone?

Maybe today, your sitting at work, on your bed, in your living room, feeling a little worse for wear. Do you sometimes feel like throwing the towl in. starting over somewhere new? Leaving behind the people you don’t think truly love you?

Those words are meant for you.

I hope they touch the core of your heart, and you fall back into the memory and security of who you are. And what you mean in this world.

Love

Rob Stands Up For Heath

Rpatz was spotted sticking up for Heath at a Comedy show, where the LA comedian did an impersonation of Heath, convulsing and falling to the floor.

Rob and his friends jumped to their feet and yelled "F*^% You! You Suck!"

Ah, my lovely boy sticking up for my favourite actor (after Rob of course!).

And check out the new shave. I think he's still hot!!! He's been spotted gigging around London in quiet bars. Great way to avoid an obsessed tween crowd.

(I would totally be civilized if I were in that crowd, and would not yell out things such as, I wanna have you babies!!!)

Heath Ledger

"I'm not good at future planning. I don't plan at all. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow. I don't have a day planner and I don't have a diary. I completely live in the now, not in the past, not in the future.”

Heath Ledger.

Today marks the one year anniversary of his death. This time last year I was working in retail, doing a boring once off day in an outlet store. I literally had 5 customers come in. I heard about his death by my cold hearted manager who left me alone all day. Alone to my thoughts. And for some reason, my heart broke. I couldn't believe I was sitting in a dingy store, shedding tears for an icon I never even met.

My friends laughed at my reaction, as I bought every magazine with him on it, cried during the telecast of his funeral, and read about little Matilda and Michelle. The only way I can explain my fascination and apparent attachment, is like I explain all my obsessions with Hollywood and it's elite.

I see them as my friends. And not because I read trashy gossip magazines (which I don't, and Perez is not in that category). I see them as friends because one day, I believe, they will be my friends. Am I sounding like a fruitcake?

Anyway, back to Heath and his magnificent career, which has subsequently ended on a massive high. The day of his one year anniversary, he has been nominated for Best Supporting Actor for the Dark Knight. What a horrifyingly terrific performance. Watching that character, and understanding his inability to detach himself from the character, you can understand the demons in his mind he would have been trying to escape through the pills. As tragic and unfortunate as it is, I can understand it.

I am so proud to say the Heath Ledger is Australia. That many of my friends new him well, and speak highly and lovingly of this man, who was one of the greatest actors of our generation.

He's totally going to win that Oscar!!!

PS; Benjamin Button nominated for 13 awards!!! I totally hope Brad Pitt wins best actor, and not because he's hot but because he really did prove himself as an actor. If you haven't seen this movie, you need to see it! (Go Cate Blanchet, another fellow Aussie - who I'm meeting in a month, but more on that another day).

Just Living

Some women really do not grow up. I find it amazing that women in their 50’s behave worse than most of my friends, and god knows some of them know some pretty crazy behavior.
The café where I work, employs a lady who thinks she is Princess Di the second. She tells me all about her Italian lover, in the Mediterranean, and how he flies her over to Italy first class, to sip expensive Italian wine and eat caviar. Her wrists jingle with exuberant gold, and she loves to show off sparkling rings, even while serving coffee. Which she does with a face that can only be compared to Oscar the Grouch and Naomi Campbell. In my most bubbly receptionist voice, I greet her and ask how her holiday was;

Wrinkly Princess; Oh alright. Italian Lover kept buying me designer dresses. And now I’m back in this shit hole.

Me; (Being even nicer and annoying). Oh I’m so jealous. An Italian Lover who buys designer dresses? That amazing!

Wrinkly Princess; Oh it’s so annoying. He just keeps wanting me to be the hottest girlfriend. It’s such a competition between him and his other Pilot Friends. But I get to spend a week on a yatch in Greece so I don’t complain.

Me: Well you must miss him now your back.

Wrinkly Princess: (Snarls) Well I’m stuck in the f@$* hole working and bored again. (Slumps her head on my desk) I hate it here.

Sounds to me like she hates where ever she is, and complains, even when wearing a Versace gown on a yatch. Upon leaving, I waved Bye and said ‘See you soon Wrinkly Princess’ and she raises her eye brows, roles her eyes, and groans. That is all. And when she drops her keys on the way out yells SHIT!

I’m sorry, but did she forget that she is 50?! 5.0.! Dude, that behavior is just not cool!
And to add to my ‘Women Need To Grow Up’ rant, an old lady, at least 90 comes in today, and instead of politly acquiring my attention shouts “Yooo hoooo” and starts demanding names and numbers of people who worked here 30 years ago, leaving her lovely cane sitting on the desk and peering over my shoulder while I find the information for her. RUDE!

And that is my rave about people. But mostly people are nice. I guess the Golden Rule is, you just have to be nice first.

I finally made work friends, (which only took 6 months) and we had lunch today (I finally feel like a working girl in the city). I feel to grown up sometimes. We discussed mortgages and raises and bonus’s. My non-work-friends and I talk about Gossip Girl and Fashion and boys.

I entered adult world without so much as a blink. You know some nights you wake up, and try to adjust your eyes, and figure out where you are? That is how I am feeling. I am figuring out where I am. Because I’m not a student, I don’t work full time, and I’m not an actress yet. So what am I?

Philosophically I guess I’m just existing.

The Ladder Man

To: boredeventsmanager@work.org.au
ccc: boredermarkertingassistant@work.org.au
From: Receptionistnotslave@work.org.au
Subject: Of Great Importance.

Hi girls,

There is a matter of great concern walking up the stairs right now. Carrying a ladder. With a great tan. And bulging biceps. And an amazing jaw line. Heart-melting smile. Singlet wearing. Smelling of summer and sun screen.

I advice. No, urge you. Get off your buts, stop pretending to work (via poking me on facebook) and come have a fricken perv!!!

*Don't worry about it now. He's gone. But not without a brief flirt session and me holding the door open for him and his Big Ladder. I swear I looked like one of those girls off the Price Is Right.

I'll let you know when he comes back to ask for my number.

Hope your is less boring now.

B

xoxo

Totally Awkward Tuesdays

Tova Darling and her fabulous Totally Awkward Tuesdays. Love it! Here's mine;

This is a story that gives a well rounded explanation as to why girls need to go to the bathroom in herds.
When I was still at high school, our music class went to see The Lion King the Musical. I was the only girl who went on the trip, and was hanging out with the mus-o guys, who were actually punk rockers doing music as a ‘bludge’. So naturally, I acting my coolest.
During intermission, I went to the bathroom, by myself, and quickly rushed back to ‘hang out against the wall with the boys’. I was so hot! All the old ladies seeing the Thursday matinee were totally jealous I was friends with the boys with piercings!
After a good ten minutes, and a lot of walking around, including up the stairs, I began to notice a slight breeze up my legs, up to my bum! Strange I thought, and I reached around to readjust my school skirt. And that’s when I felt it. The world froze. My skirt was stregically tucked into my undies. All the way up. The entire audience, cast, crew and the rest of Sydney, had seen my bum. My make up melted off my face as I blushed every shade of pink, red and purple and plucked out my dress, holding it down firmly, noticing a few snickers from the audience around me.
I didn’t look any one in the eye for the rest of the day, but I’m sure those boys were the slightest bit nicer to me.

Spend less and be Fabulous!

The end of my pay fortnight always leaves my wallet a little worse for wear. I reflect on the deliciously fash purchases I made in the last two weeks, especially the new skin care range I needed, since my skin was majorly reacting to the heat of summer.

I have a case of forgetting that this working girl, only works part time. 4 hours every afternoon. Most people don’t really consider this work. But really, I do work hard. I promise. I have to count the mail, (today there’s 5 letters, but some days I have 1000’s), then I have to do the media reports and summaries for all our current media coverage, and send it out to our directors, board members and other VIP’s with unnecessary titles to placate their profile. That all takes about 2 hours. And in between I deal with the phone calls. Some people can be so rude. Lucky they have a receptionist like me who knows how to deal kindly with people who utter the words, do you even know who I am?

Once all that is done, I have to check my facebook, emails and blog, and read yours (thank god for the amusement you all provide!) This usually takes two hours, and in between I manage my acting and writing career, google Gossip Girl, and update myself with Perez. Work can be busy!!!

So in light of my penny-less Mimco, I have had to come up with some sure fire ways to go from feeling like a slumdog to millionaire. (PS – if you haven’t seen Slumdogmillionaire please, please, please do yourself a favour and see it!!! It deserves every award and more!)

Here are my fab pick me up’s.

1. Forget splurging on a mani in a noisy Asian nail studio, buff, polish and shine your own nails. I don’t know about you, but personally, if my nails aren’t done, they literally feel like they are aching! Don’t have time to wait for them to dry in between a busy social life? Paint a nail at a time throughout the day at work. That way, you only have to worry about one nail being wet while typing and answering phones, and you get a more relaxed finish.

2. Can’t afford to buy this months Vogue? Just jump online, check out the hot links, and window shop from your computer screen. And there's always a comp or two to enter.

3. Wash your car. I hate this job. I would much rather pay someone else to do it then have to get out the hose and suds, but driving in a clean, hot little car, blaring Britney makes you feel like a ‘cast’ member of Laguna Beach.

4. Stay in. I hear the sharp in take of shock. Instead of seeing BrideWars or He’s Just Not That In To You, wait for cheap Tuesday when it’s only $10, and spend Friday night on the couch with your favourite chick flick, red wine, thai (always a nice cheap meal) and your bestie’s. Tonight it’s Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and What Happens in Vegas.

5. If you’re a member of the gym, you’ve most likely already paid for it this month, so make the most of it. Nothing feels better then not wanting to go, making yourself, working up a sweat, and coming home feeling more energized and skinnier. I did a yoga class this morning and feel fab!

Or you could be wise with your money and stop buying Sass and Bide jeans and gladiator flats so you can afford to go out and pamper yourself. Either way, I hope this weekend is exiting and adventurous!!!

Do you have more ideas on how to indulge yourself and spend less?
Xoxo

Days of Our Lives

It is really no secret here, that I have a bit of an obsession with Hollywood and glamour girls and hot boys. I try to keep it at a minimum and only read Gos once a day.

I did read something funny today. Naomi Watts is worried Sunday-Rose (Nicole Kidman's baby) is 'in-love' with her son. I mean seriously! Either the gossip columnist is an absolute loony and made it up, or Naomi Watts needs to be checked into some mental institution. Sunday Rose isn't even one.

And on the topic, my friends mum, who is like, totally the smartest doctor ever, thinks Nicole was never really pregnant. She didn't glow, she didn't put on weight. No normal women looks like that when their pregnant. Plus she has some medical problem, (the term eludes me) that makes her 100% unable to have kids. She totally faked! Just like her face.

Speaking of all things faces, it has come to my attention, Blake Lively (my latest girl crush) had a nose job! (I'm saving my pennies for my own rhinoplasty, so naturally I think it's totally cool that she got it done).

I had an OMG moment today. I went to the Gallery this morning to see an exhibition by my favourite artist, Monet. I studied him all through high school, and dream of walking through his garden. He is seriously a genius! I reckon if I lived 150 years ago, I'd have a massive crush on him and his big beard. So anyway, I'm walking through the crowds of other Culture-Vultures, admiring the works of the Impressionist painters, and there, smack dab on the far wall is the White Water Lillies. I studied this in year 10 and dreamed of walking across the bridge. (My art trip to Paris was cancelled in 2002 by my school for fear of terrorist! so I never saw it). But standing in front it today, forgetting about all the other people around me, even the pain in the assAsians pushing their way through, I had to catch my breath, and stop an embarrassing tear. It was a moment, where you understand the beauty and importance of art.

That's all biatches.

Love you, mean it, later.

Work is Fab.

The things that make a fabulous day.

1. Going into the dirty, over crowded staff kitchen, desperately needing a green tea to accompany my caramel kiss, and getting the last tea bag. It was like it was sitting there waiting for moi.
2. Finally making friends with the girls my age. We now have regular afternoon gos sess. ‘round my desk.
3. Getting compliments on my hair. That only took 5 minutes this morning.
4. It still being sunny and hot outside.
5. Thinking about going for a swim in my fav pool on the harbor. (I’m too scared to swim in the ocean after a series of shark attacks. It’s Jaws 5 here in Oz. Great whites are up 80% leaving me swimming only in the safety of an enclosed 4 walls).
6. Applying my new Elizabeth Arden lipgloss at 30 minute intervals.
7. The phone not ringing for 20 minutes.
8. Not doing any work.
9. Reading fun blogs.
10. Booking my hair extensions next week. I’m totally going to be the Australian Blake Lively!

Hollywood Dreaming

My procrastination could be the death of me. It entangles my feet, and shuts my mouth. It is only in my mind.

My heart and soul and voice long to be heard.

Sometimes, when work becomes slow, and I need a distraction, I search my favourite actresses.

Right now, my hot fav is Blake Lively. I literally love everything about her. From the first moment I saw her in The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, I decided, I wanted long blond hair, and she would be my new fav. Thank God for Gossip Girl Mania!

Girls like her, make me believe I can make it.

How about Isla Fisher? Star of the new Chick Flick Confessions of a Shop-aholic. The new Australian Golden Girl make her mark on Tinseltown and scoring exiting roles. Why can't that be me?

Or how about Amy Adams. Finally in her 30's she's staring in films and quickly becoming one of Hollywood's top actresses. She wasn't even going to become an actress until someone told her to just do it and she moved to LA and started auditioning. 10 years ago.

But my favourite story is that of Canberra girl, Mia Wasikowska who is barely 19, staring in Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. She's never even been to an acting school and now she is acting alongside Johnny Depp and working with one of the best directors of our time.

See how possible it is?

People have always left Hollywood with the stigma of impossibility. That only 1 in 10,000 ever 'make it'. But why can't I be that one?

My final draft of my play is almost complete. Then its time I start on the screen play. I know I have something here. Deli Chick is totally going to be the next Great Australian Movie. And then it's on to Hollywood to work with the Blake Snyder and Nora Ephron.

So girls and guys, dream big.

Aim for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.

ignorance prevails

Excuse me sir,

but in what world do we believe it is ok to let the innocent die.

where it is ok to ignore the tortured cries of the abused.

where we can sleep at night ignoring the reality that across our

.neighbourhoods

.cities

.countries

.world

there are children sleeping in dumpsters. in wars. in fear. alone.

where we can glorify the hero who rescues the damsel

.and yet we cannot feed a hungry mouth

.sponsor a sick child

.rescue an orphan

ignorance is bliss

ignore-rance.

be it better to be a vegetable than to be ignorant.

because then you at least have an excuse for doing nothing.

we live in a world of two

WFC

world.financial.crisis

world.food.crisis.

we live in a world where White Supremacy rule.

where the topics that make front page.

are the topics that affect.sell.promote.

for the benefit of the editor in chief.

where it is 'cool'

to pretend for a minute to care.

caring for too long means frustration.

frustration = change

change requires an action on our behalf.

often one that requires something more

than we want to give.

the storm is coming

but i don't mind.

people are dying

i close my blinds.

Summer in the City

The skin where my thighs meet is a little sweaty, and I'm trying to minimise the tell-tell signs of the heat, as my face is bright red, and my cleavage a little shiny with perspiration.

These are the issues I worry about in the heat of summer, rushing back from a glorious lunch with the Acting Girls.

As usual, our conversation centred around the perils and adversity of dating in Sydney. A city of 6 million, in which I estimate 1.5 are men in their twenty-somethings. And yet, we are all still single.

Kate-Hudson-look-alike and Femme-Fatal-Wanna-Be and myself, a self confessed Wanna-Be-Hollywood-Starlet.

I'm really not sure what there will be left to talk about when we are eventually in relationships.

Kate-Hudson is sleeping with the same guy as four years ago when she was 20, although he is still with his live-in girlfriend. She is chasing a CK underwear model, (who is the hottest guy I literally have ever seen), and I wish I had the guts to tell her, he's just not that into you. And so each acting class and party and function and casting, where he is, she makes a complete and utter fool of herself. A stray cat has more of a chance of getting in CK's pants than she does unfortunately.

Femme-Fatal is gorgeous, just struggling, like all of us, in the dating arena. She has never had a boyfriend and is a walking monument to Man's stupidity. She recently asked out Body Builder from class via text, after 6 months of intense flirting and prolonged kissing scenes. He said he'd love too. But when she suggested dinner and a movie his response was I don't think my girlfriend would be to happy with that. Ah, you kidding me? WTF!

And then there's me. We already know the story. I can't get a break. BM has laid off the stalking, and I'm enjoying the break from avoiding phone calls, incessant texts, and church stalkings.

I watched these friends, who I was so dubious of in the beginning, so pleased to have found such delight in the darkness of a city crowded by the illusion of happiness and friendship. Sometimes the greatest friendships arise out of the least likely places.

More than once in the past month, have I been thankful for the guidance of Carrie Bradshaw and the ladies of Manhattan. They taught us how to date, who not to date, and that being single can be fabulous.

2008 Has Happened

NYE went off with a BANG. This is my view from a party on the water of Sydney Harbour. I may or may not be location-dropping.

I made no resolutions this year.

I put no expectations on other people.

I simply decided three things.

1. I will have 3 TV commercials.

2. My script will be picked up by a producer and will be performed as a play and/or made into a film.

3. My full time job will revolve around social justice. I will be getting paid to care for people and justice full time.

For the last three years I naively and stupidly hoped for a husband. I spent NY surrounded by girls all seeking husbands and the fulfilling of relationships. They are all married.

And as repeatedly stated in this blog. I am Still. Single.

And loving it.

I had no New Years pashes, although there was an advance from a guy I dated for about a week a few months ago. He was drunk and being a sleaze. My conscience told me I was worth more than that.

I spent the last three days on the beach somewhere up the coast, tanning, watching dolphins swim and watching lots of chick-flicks.

I am in full holiday mode.

Well that was until my dreamy sleep last night was interrupted by disturbing dreams of going back to work. Tomorrow. Another year. Please God, let this year be good.

I feel like I achieved very little last year, and then I remember, I finished my degree, moved into a very promising job, got an agent, and have the best friends in the world. Life is good.

Hope you all had fabulous New Years and Chrissy's.

xo